Sunday, May 6, 2018

Infertility: A Letter From Sean

I'm not known for being a good writer or good at putting my thoughts together. I have been trying to write this for a couple years now. Thankfully Lizzy helped me a lot to get this posted.

Ever since I was little, all I have ever wanted to be is a dad. My biggest fear in life is that I would never get married, and therefore never have the family I dreamed of. I wanted to be that dad that was super involved. That dad that would take his daughters out for dates. Go to all the games and concerts. Teach the kids how to hunt and fish. The dad that would teach his children how to pray and love God. I just wanted a family, always.



When Lizzy and I were dating I told her I wanted to start our family as soon as possible. She didn't want to, and I respected that. One night she came to me and told me she felt that we should start trying for a family. It was weird to me because we had been married not even a month She said she felt like it may be difficult for her to have a baby, and it would be better to find out why sooner than later. Soon we were tracking everything, but month after month no baby. Deep down inside I felt that it had to be me. Although Lizzy was convinced it was her.

After a year of attempting, we went to the doctor to start the process of figuring out why. I didn't realize the rollercoaster we were getting on. The first tests the doctor ordered were a progesterone test and follicle ultrasound for Lizzy, and a semen analysis for me. Thus began the most stressful and awkward testing of my life.

A week or two later I came home and Lizzy pulled me aside and told me the doctor called. Her tests panned out to be normal, but mine was not good at all. So bad that our doctor wasn't going to try anything with us, and told us to go to the reproductive care center in UT. I felt my heart sink. I felt embarrassed. I felt hopeless. It felt similar to that of a great loss. I felt like I had failed. I failed my role as husband. I failed my wife.

Soon we had a series of expensive tests to do and an appointment at the reproductive care center. We were nervous as we sat in the doctor's office, and nothing could have prepared us for what would happen. We were told we had a 3% chance of having a child naturally. Now the feelings I had before were confirmed. I felt totally hopeless and like a failure. That our opportunities to have a child was next to none. My wife would never know what it was like to carry a child and it was my fault. Because of me, she would be robbed of one of her greatest desires. Lizzy seemed to be at peace. She is the kind of person who just wants an answer so she can process it and deal with it.

Not even a week later we left for NYC. It was a trip we dreamed of, but now we had some extra baggage. Lizzy wanted to talk, and I didn't. I would just give short replies and move onto a new subject. That trip was the longest trip of my life. One night we were in time square when Lizzy just stopped and yelled at me. It was so loud around us it didn't matter how loud she screamed. By closing myself off I was hurting Lizzy. I never want to hurt Lizzy. I just didn't want to talk about my failures.

We came home only to do more tests. Once again Lizzy's test came back great, and mine didn't. I tried different medications, different diets, etc.. nothing changed. Even after everything my last test was so bad they didn't even bother giving me the numbers. Then all at once, it seemed like everyone was having babies in situations that were less than ideal. I was supposed to be happy for them, but it made me feel worse. Depression set in, and life got dark. It got dark for both of us. I only had one job. I only had to contribute one piece to the 1000 piece puzzle and I failed. I was stripped of masculinity. Drowned in unknown waters.

Every road we went down to try to have a family was closing. We called adoption agencies both international and domestic adoption only to feel it wasn't right. We looked into foster care only to feel that it wasn't right. Set up consultations for IVF only to feel it wasn't right. Nothing was right. I felt worthless and useless. I started gaining weight. I felt miserable and lost. I was keeping us stagnant. I kept feeling like Lizzy would be better with someone else. Someone that could give her the family she deserves.

The problem is no one talks about male infertility. Although male infertility contributes to 50% of infertility, no one talks about it. It bothers me how everyone just assumes it's Lizzy who has infertility. I have yet to meet a man that would talk to me about male infertility and to tell you the truth, but I don't know if I would either. Men don't like talking about their failures.

In June it will be 3 years of trying, multiple losses, and lots of tears. I'm so grateful for Lizzy and her unwavering love. I'm thankful that she comes from a family that not only understands infertility but understands loss. For the most part, I feel like I have been able to come to terms with my infertility. We keep pushing forward. Keep praying. Keep trying. Praying that someday our dreams will be fulfilled.



What not to say/do to someone dealing with male infertility.
1. Tell them to have faith in God's timing
2. Give advice because you assume we don't understand how to make a baby
3. Complain about your children and say that we are so lucky we don't have kids
4. Assume fertility only lies in the female sex
5. Try to fix them

What can you do for someone dealing with male infertility?
1. Pray for them
2. Have a listening ear
3. Be open to the discussion

I hope this helped someone understand or for someone to know they are not alone. This trial has been one that has altered my life, testimony, and marriage. After feeling alone in my trials I hope that others may not feel so alone, or that they may know how to help someone around them with male infertility. There can be joy in the face of trials. And, hopefully, someday, I will be a dad.

6 comments:

  1. Hi, I loved your post! It was so real and honest. We too have male infertility we were given a 0% chance to conceive. If you ever need someone to talk to my husband is very open about it. No one talks about Male infertility so we do! We don't want anyone to feel lost and alone like we did. We have a daughter through adoption and twins through a sperm donor. Our journey has been a beautiful mess! I will keep you in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I am so glad to hear of your rainbow babies! We hope we get one sooner than later!

      -Lizzy

      Delete
  2. My husband just sat at work crying over this post. Said it's dead on. Thank you for being a voice for our men.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shea, thank you for reaching out! Hopefully more guys with infertility start raising their voices!

      -Lizzy

      Delete
  3. Beautiful post. I know your words will help someone who has or is going through similar trials. Prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Pastor John Piper spoke on this recently. Maybe this will give you hope and healing as you move along your journey.

    https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/do-reproductive-technologies-oppose-gods-design

    ReplyDelete