Infertility: When you feel forsaken by God

I would like to think Sean and I are an uplifting and optimistic voice for people struggling with infertility. I got a comment recently from someone who follows our story that our infertility doesn't even bother us or our relationship. Errr... what? Of course it does!

Every month I cry. Every month I have to tell Sean. Every month of failure. Holding my husband as he cries. Him holding me when I try to cry silently at night. Him bring me hot coco because I hurt so much. It seems at times like God has forgotten us. Its hard when it seems he answers everyone else prayers first. What did we do wrong?

It was near finals when I broke. Sean was asleep and I started crying uncontrollably. I felt his loving arms wrap around me and he whispered,"Im sorry." He didn't even have to ask what I was upset about because it is always on our mind. It made me feel awful. I never want Sean to feel this is his problem, it's our problem, because we are a team. I am aware that his burden will always feel much different from mine because of his infertility factor. I just wish I could take that from him. I was in a dark place. I was angry. I was so angry at God. Why? Because 2016 was an awful year. We had our infertility issues, gained 40 lbs, and I was trying to constantly stay out of a dark place. I was working 3 jobs, and lost my scholarship by .01 of a point. I watched my sister lose a baby, only to be followed by sweet felicity who for an unknown reason gained a body in this life and left us. If you know me, you know I love being an aunt. I felt completely robbed. I was unbelievably excited not only for my faithful and enduring sister, but that I would have a new baby to snuggle and spoil. Why would God do such a nasty thing? I wasn't okay. Watching my sister lose her sweet baby, watching my mother watching her daughter... I couldn't sleep. There was too much anger in my heart. I would wake up from having flash backs and I was in a funk. Good thing Sean is loving and understanding. He was so sweet to me while I worked though things. At the same time I was teaching in a school that had abused kids, kids that had no food, and kids who didn't even own underwear. It was hard. I just wanted ( and still do) to take those kiddos home and love them. I found I kept getting a little darker, and a little more angry every day.

Why is it that even though we have done everything "right" and they haven't.... they can have a baby and we can't. Sean and I lived chaste lives before getting married, we try to live good christian lives, and we strive to become more like the savior each and every day. We have a stable relationship, we absolutely adore each other, and every time we go to Hobby Lobby Sean comes up with new ideas on how we could decorate a nursery. Meanwhile there are women who find themselves going to get abortions, women who keep having babies with abusive men, and women who have babies for government assistance.

I know that judging others situations wont bring me any kind of happiness. It's just incredibly hard when you see couples who are entirely unprepared ( not that anyone is truly prepared) for children. I know MANY individuals and couples who had had children in unstable situations, drug addicted ect... and that baby changed them for the better. That by having a baby, they have become, something greater than they even thought possible. I would never, ever, ever want to take that experience away from anyone. However, it still hurts, and I think thats a typical feeling for those who struggle with infertility. I haven't been judgy and I honestly don't feel like I am anywhere close to the level of judgy I see many women at when they have fertility issues. It's just hard right now, to see everyone having babies they didn't plan for. Its hard because Sean and I have tried so hard and paid a lot of money to have a baby and well... It's not going to happen for a while.

Look, I KNOW it will all work out. I KNOW we will have a family some day. I KNOW God is aware, and I am content with that. Dark thoughts come and go, but I hold tight to what I know. It's just dumb that OUR way will cost thousands of dollars. That OUR way isn't what we anticipated. That OUR way has a lot more stress on our relationship. Its hard when OUR way is way more complicated. I get angry, and I think thats okay. It's part of healing, its part of giving my burden to Christ. Its hard, and thats just our new normal.

With all of that said and done, we have come to a decision to stop trying. It was just consuming us and all of our actions. Sean will still take supplements, get tested every so often, and we wont be doing anything to prevent pregnancy. However we are going to stop charting, taking temperatures, planning, scheduling, testing, and whatnot. Hopefully by 2018 we will be in a place where we can explore the world of IUI and IVF, but until then we need to focus on us, each other, our relationship, and our personal relationship with God. It feels liberating. I remember that after we decided to take a break I slept so well. Turns out that weight our shoulders was doing a lot to our emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Its time to be us, and our adventures. God is in control, and we know he has a plan. We have an exciting summer coming our way with lots of weddings, travel, and Sean and I should both graduate by next spring. We don't have to let infertility limit us, and we are not going to let it limit us anymore.

Infertility: What you should NOT say to couples like us....

Being in the world of infertility has definitely opened my eyes to how....
1. Ignorant people are about the whole reproductive system in general
2. People assume you're just not doing it "right"
3. Everyone has sex tips for you
4. Everyone still talks to you like its female infertility even after you tell them its male infertility

5. People, with good intentions, say the dumbest things.

Honestly, I am 100% FINE talking about it, answering questions, ect. I cannot stand some comments though. I understand people may just not know what to say, so hopefully this will help you.

SO, to all you good hearted people, I will give you a list of what not to say! Followed with what goes though my head as its being said...minus the swear words haha. You have to read it with a sarcastic tone 😏. It's funny what people say to you. You can either laugh or cry, and I choose to laugh!
( these are real comments!)

1. "I KNOW God will give you a baby"
- Are you someone who can receive revelation for me? You don't speak for God, so don't. Don't promise something that you can't promise.

2. "Maybe pray more. I have a cousin that......"
- Are you for real? Shut up!

3. "It will happen one day"
- Oh really? Crazy!

4."Never say never!"
- I never said never in the first place.....

5. "Maybe God has a different plan"
- I hope that plan doesn't involve you still talking

6."Really thats weird! I got pregnant right away!"
- %^*#&^@%$&*#(&*$

7."You sure its not you?"
-Uhhh... yep! Yep! We spent thousands figuring it out!

8."Have you tried......(all the things you find on google)..."
-Yes. Please stop trying to "fix" it. ( Now, I DO find it helpful when people say," ___ helped my brother ect.."

9. "Have you thought about adoption?"
-Every.Day.

10."Maybe your not trying hard enough."
- I'll cut you

11."Are you sure your doing it right?"
-Oh my goodness, I don't know!!!! Maybe you can show me?

12. "When will you stop trying? You are 25 right? You are getting older."
- ........&*^#^%)(*$&@*.

13. "It will happen when you quit trying"
-Yea it would be nice if it did. Unfortunately I kinda really have to track everything.

14."Maybe being a parent isn't something God wants for you in this life?"
-Maybe God just created you to be a total moron. Shut up, Satan.

15. Someone pregnant or with kids,"Promise me, you don't want this!"
-PRETTY FREAKING SURE WE DO! Thanks though!

16."Do you think you will stay married?"
-WHO THE FEAK ARE YOU?! YA LINT LICKER!

17."In a way you are lucky. My husband can just look at me and I get pregnant!"
- Well he is also a complete ass, so ya.... theres that.

18."At least you are having fun trying!"
- Fun isn't the word I would use to describe what it feels like to try every month for over 18 months....

19."I totally know what you are going through. It took us 6 months to get pregnant."
-Apples and oranges ( the exact same way I think about people who have tried for 5+ years! I don't know what they are going though. Apples and oranges people!)

20."Think of all the money you will save!"
- REALLY? You know it will cost THOUSANDSSSSSSS to have a fertilized egg, right?

21."You just need to relax"
-You just need to shut up, and go away.

22. " Infertility is just natures way of saying your not suppose to be together"
-If it wasn't for modern medicine, darwinism would be at its finest moment, and you would be dead... because you are a moron.

23."You wouldn't understand.. its a pregnancy thing"
- Thanks? HahahahahAHHAHhaha

24."Just do IVF"
-Well when you give me 15 thousand dollars I'll just go make an appointment, thanks!

25."IVF is imoral"
Last time I checked, your not God... Thanks for your opinion.

26. "It's probably from when Sean was really sick and had a high fever."
- you can put that in google anytime and see thats incorrect.

27."God has a plan. Trust him."
I never doubted it. However, "God has a plan. Crap happens"... is true too.

28."Why are you even trying to have kids right now anyways?"
-How is that ANY of your business?

29." You pregnant yet?"
-Nope! Excuse me as I go cry in a corner.

30."It's just weird. No one else in our family has problems."
- Well thats comforting... not.

31."Are you sure you cycle?"
- Yea! I pee on the stick, and get blood tests. OH and I have a period.. so yea, Im sure

32. "I heard those medicines give you cancer!"
-Your voice gives me a headache

33."Well it must be nice knowing your not the problem."
-Nope... not really. Also, don't call my husband a problem. You are a problem.

34."Just use a donor!"
-Yea, you would think its just that simple...wouldn't you? Golly.....

35. "You can have mine"
- If I had a dollar for every time I heard that!

36. "Maybe you are just suppose to be a parental figure to the youth you work with"
- I do believe that. BUT I will have a family. One way or another. Why are you trying to take that away from me?

37. "Maybe you just need to spice up your love life?"
-Maybe you just need to go away :)

38."I know exactly how you feel..."
- Only person who knows exactly how I feel is Jesus, not you.

39."If you think fertility testing and treatment is expensive you should try having a baby!"
-😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

40."Its just the Doctors opinion...."
- Or results from multiple tests, but who am I to say that!?

WHAT CAN/SHOULD YOU SAY?

1. Im sorry
2. I love you
3. Im praying for you
4. I am willing to listen if you ever need to talk
5. -Nothing-

Its pretty simple, haha. I don't think it's that we are overly sensitive (we are sensitive), but it's that we have heard the same things many times. It all get old- really fast!

There is only one person who can fix us, and it's not you, so please don't try.

I truly appreciate everyone who gives us support and love. Even when people say stupid stuff I know they care.  I love that my friends involve me in their pregnancies and keep me up on their pursuit of motherhood. We all have a different road, but we can always find happiness in the moment!

Infertility: Where Do We Start?

"Where do we start?"

I get at least 2 messages a week asking me this questions. Endeavoring in the journey of getting answers can be overwhelming. I will share what we did. This is in no way the "correct" or "right" way, but it worked for us, and we got answers fast! Everything is purely a suggestion.

First off if you are under the age of 35 doctors ask you try consecutive for a year before coming in. If you are over 35 they ask you to try for 6 consecutive months. If you have health conditions you are already aware of like PCOS, undescended testicle, endometriosis ect... Its something you can go in earlier for, or at least bring it up at your next appointment with your gynecologist.

Just know you are NOT alone! There are SO many people around you who are struggling too! Build up a supportive tribe!!!!

THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO!
1. Download an app to help you track everything. I like the app, Ovia best!
2. Study up on your anatomy. I talk to a lot of girls who don't know what their cervix is. Study male and female reproductive systems! Youtube has some great educational videos.
3. Buy ovulation tests! Click on HERE to see the ones I order. They are MUCH more at Walmart.
4. Make sure you track everything on your app! You want at least a couple months tracked before you go in. I had 8 months, and my doctor was able to move faster because of it.

Its been a year, so what do we do?

Well I did my research! I had a friend that used Dr. Jason Gunderson in Idaho Falls and really liked working with him. I looked more into him and he had good reviews for dealing with infertility. One review said that he wont waste your time trying to fix something he cant, keep you waiting, and  he will send you to a specialist without hesitation. PERFECT! I hear so many stories of people who spend years at the gynecologists trying to figure something out. Once they went to a specialist everything moved really fast!

Our initial meeting went very well! He sat down and talked to us about the most common factors, got health history, and ordered a semen analysis for Sean and an ultrasound of my uterus, and 21 day progesterone test for me. He told us the faster we got our test done, the faster we would get answers. SO, we got both done that week! I had the results back within 4 days! My test was great, and Sean's test... not so much! However they wanted us to know how common it was, and that they wanted us to see a specialist. So we were referred us to the reproductive care in UT. The next week we to Sandy, UT and met with Dr. Blauer ( he comes to IF every month... I think-ha). What a kind man he is! He ordered more tests for both of us. Luckily my insurance covers infertility testing! RCC ( reproductive care center) is great and SO helpful! They give you a cost sheet at the beginning to show the cost of each test if you are paying out of pocket vs. insurance. They also have payment plans for IVF and income based financial assistance. We got a lot of blood test, ultrasounds, ect... there are other blogs that talk about that!

After testing you hopefully get answers. I felt very informed by Dr. Blauer, and he took his time with us. He has so many people and connections to set you up with immediately if you need it. He offered cheaper solutions for us. He understands us, because he took the time to get to know us. He suggested we go back to Dr. Gunderson for IUI ( instead of making trips to UT) and if we want to do IVF he will be in IF in December. So, that is where we are now!

I hope this was somewhat helpful! Just don't get stuck in an obgyn's office. Be proactive and get answers!

Baby dust to you all!

When Good News Is Bad

Well we spent a whole week getting tested. Blood tests, ultrasounds, HSG, and more blood tests.

We waited forever for our results. Somehow express lab is good at making everything take longer. However we finally got all the test back.

THE RESULTS WERE:

Lizzy: You have a healthy uterus, better than average egg supply, HSG test showed that nothing is blocked, no cysts on ovaries... Blood tests came back great! Thyroid and hormone levels are in the average range. You are an excellent candidate for IVF.

Sean: Your blood tests came back great! Everything is in the average range. Your scrotal ultrasound came back normal. No problems there. 

This is great news! Right?

I don't feel so great! Sometimes its easier when you know the problem so you can try to fix it. So we were hoping that Sean's next SA was better. We waited a week to set up an appointment with the doctor and the results are....

Not much has changed. 

It felt like someone punched me in the gut. My heart broke. As I looked at my dear sweetheart I could see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes. Because there is nothing we can "fix". No surgeries, injections...zip. Doctor said its just his body. We can keep trying to help it with supplements and lifestyle changes, but thats just about it. Therefore, here are the percentages we were given.
Natural conception: 3-4%
IUI: 5-6%
IVF: 50-60%

Obviously there is a big gap between IUI and IVF in success predictions and in cost. IUI is around $300-400 while one round of IVF is around 11-15k ( depending on several factors). 

Oddly this quote from one of my favorite books came to mind. Its something I used to have printed and up in my locker. 

This is reality. We are "that couple". Our lives are not going to be what we thought, and thats okay. So we have to get creative in bringing children into this world. That isn't going to change the fact that Sean is my most favorite person in the world. That doesn't change the fact that I know God has a plan. In the same way it doesn't make the hurt go away. It doesn't mean I feel a little betrayed at times. I sometimes get angry when I work with some of my beautiful students who, because of their birth mother and drugs, have physical and mental disabilities. Why can they have babies? 

The one thing that doesn't change is the fact I would rather be married to Sean and have no children, than be married to someone else and have a large family. He is part of my soul. I cannot image my life without him. Today, after the phone call, I held my sweetheart as he cried in my arms. I didn't know I could feel so much hurt for someone else. I feel it, physically. I hurt for him. 

Who knew this would be so tough. Life. 

I do know what I do have. I have support. I have a testimony of my Savior, his atoning sacrifice, and his unwavering love. I have my Sean. 

I really am lucky. I need to be thankful for what I do have instead of focusing on what I don't. Because, when I look around I am blessed beyond measure. 

Infertility: Our 3-4% Journey

3-4% were the words that made me feel like my heart had been ripped out of my body. A 3-4% chance of becoming pregnant naturally. I immediately looked at Sean looking for some hope and comfort. However, it seemed as though he was looking for me to give him that same hope and comfort. So, there we sat in silence. Lost. The doctor must have noticed and said, “At least its not zero percent” with a hopeful tone. I kept saying that to myself, “it's not zero”, to keep my hopes up. The truth is, it doesn’t help. Not one bit.

I realize there are people who have experienced miracles. People with the 0%, the one and million chances bringing a child into this world. That honestly doesn’t make me feel any better-ha! So please don’t give me those answers. That’s good for them, but that doesn’t mean it will happen for us. I know so many amazing couples that have done everything right, tried everything, and still have no baby. Why didn’t they get the miracle everyone told them about? Was the couple loved less by God? Unworthy of his blessings? No, not at all. I have faith that God can bless us with a miracle, but I also have faith that he doesn’t have to. I’m not the one who calls the shots, and I’m not the one with the time table. In order to have faith, I have to have faith in both options, and answers.

Most everyone assumes infertility is due to something wrong with the woman. Because everyone just assumes I need to be on clomid, or get my cycle straight. Surprisingly my tests came back great. My cycle is great, I ovulate, my uterus is in one piece and is healthy. However, Sean’s tests didn’t come back great. I felt I had already mourned the fact that I was messed up, and the problem with our fertility issues from the start. When we got the results back my heart sank. I didn’t want Sean to go through what I did. Also, there is little to no support for male infertility. It hurts Sean, and its something we didn’t, and no one does, anticipate. It just hurts my heart. Because infertility has been an issue for women in my family I felt I had already mourned and come to terms that I was the “problem”. Now, I watch Sean going through that cycle, and I wish I could take it away.

Infertility can be hard on your life, and marriage. I hate coming out of the bathroom with a negative pregnancy text. I hate the look on Sean’s face. I hate not being on birth control ( I am one of those people who functions way better on it), and I hate how I become depressed and introverted every month of failure. I hate the weight gain from being emotional. Either we are so wasted emotionally we don’t eat, or we just eat crap. Not a good combo. I hate that everyone has advice on how we just need to try_____. Haha. I know they mean well, but our situation isn’t like everyone else’s. Besides that, trust me, we have read every trick google has to offer haha.  IVF is our only real option for having a biological child with the info we have, and we haven’t really decided how we feel about that yet. So, its hard when people act like IVF isn’t a big deal, (it is for us) or they say,” at least there is adoption”, like it fixes everything. Now, this is something Sean and I talked about before we were even married. We are 100% fine with adoption, It’s something we talked about doing even if we had biological children, but with adoption there is still some heartache. There is the wait, the home studies, the financial issues, and the anxiety that something would go wrong. You chose if you want to do national or international. If international you have to pick a country, and that seems beyond overwhelming. Besides that, I would never get to experience what its like to be pregnant, tell Sean I was pregnant, to feel what its like to feel that baby move around and kick, to feel childbirth, to see Sean’s face as he see’s our baby come into the world, that first cry, seeing someone who is half of me, and nursing. I know some people will think,” Gah, that was the worst, If I could have a baby with out doing those things I would!” and that’s okay. But, that’s not me. Having that part taken from me is hard. Really hard. I think there is a level of grieving that adoptive parents must go through. Even with that I just want to bring all the babies home and love them. So if adoption is our option, then so be it.  As of right now we are researching international adoption, and making lifestyle changes in hopes to improve Sean’s next test.

People say the dumbest things. Sometimes I feel that trials we have in life help us become sensitive to others. One day Sean came home upset that a kid in his class was complaining that now he and his wife can’t travel because she got pregnant, and I sat in class with girls who just complain about getting pregnant because it wasn’t what they planned. I had to take really deep breaths to get through that class. I know that if starting a family wasn’t a trial for us, we very well could have been those people too. They mean no harm by what they said, but it can be a dagger to someone around them.

I HATE how some people feel unconformable sharing their joy of pregnancy with me. Why on earth would I be upset that someone else is able to have a baby? It's an amazing thing! I would never be that hard hearted. That’s just for bitter people. I love seeing posts of your growing belly, the ultrasounds, and I love buying cute baby outfits! I will say it always hurts when you see posts about abused babies, or neglected children born to druggy parents. It's hard when I have abused kids in my classroom, that have parents that reproduce like rabbits, and all the kids end up in the system. Its hard not to get on the “why them and not me” train. That’s a dangerous thought that will only lead us to dark and awful road of misery and bitterness. So, we have to make a conscious effort, every day, to take the higher road, and think of the good we can do now.

Even though infertility has been a trial, it has also bonded Sean and I closer together. The 3-4% chance of getting pregnant hurt, but now we knew. No more wondering and stressing. In fact, I feel like the last couple weeks since the doctors has been an extremely happy time in our marriage. Its like we are in another honeymoon stage. Sean recently commented on how its like we can finally live our lives again and get back on track with activities we used to do. I didn’t realize how much infertility was dragging us down. Even though we don’t have a baby yet, or any plans in place, we felt as though we had a burden lifted off of our shoulders. All we have now is truly faith in His plan for us and each other. We are staying in a home while the owners are serving a mission. Without that we wouldn’t be able to afford all the testing we have until we meet the deductible. I am booking weddings for the summer and fall of 2017, Sean and I both got scholarships, we have amazing callings in church that bless our lives, and God has put in our path people who have/will be resources for us with adoption. I get messages and calls from friends offering to be a surrogate, donate, or to be a listening ear. Most of all we have family that supports us and lets us express our fears, and hears our cries.  That leads me to my next blessing, Sean.

There is no one else I would rather go through trials in this life with than Sean. He is always my #1 fan. He is so tender, meek, loving, and understanding. We still have a lot of testing to do, and there is still a chance that there is something wrong with my body as well. If there is something wrong, I know he will take my hand and assure me it will all work out. Sean is always annoyingly optimistic, but its truly something I love about him. No matter what path we are given, I know that I will have Sean by my side giving me courage to take another step. And I know when we finally have a little one to call our own we will say,” it was worth it”, because it always is. He has a plan for us, and we trust in Him. Faith in God meaning having faith in his timing, and his answer. So, we await further knowledge, and lean upon the atonement of Christ. We are beyond blessed, even when trials arise, we are blessed.

The Burden of Secrets

After many conversations with loved ones and friends about miscarriages, I have been pondering, why we keep early pregnancy a secret. Does it really protect anyone?

When a woman becomes pregnant, a lot of people will tell her not to tell anyone right away. You want to wait until your 13th week of pregnancy when your chance of miscarriage is lower. They say if a miscarriage does happen you wont want to talk about it, and explain to everyone that your not pregnant anymore. My question is ... why? Why would you not want people to know? Why carry the burden alone? Do you think it may be healthy to talk about it? Who came up with this social norm? Does it really protect a woman and save her from a burden if she says nothing? OR does it create a bigger burden?

Why do we wait? You are most likely ecstatic, feeling that secrets are dumb, and you call it a "baby". In the debates of when life start, and when is a fetus a baby... why are we dehumanizing these miscarried babies. Why does a baby all the sudden become a mass of cells when its miscarried? Why are we devaluating a woman's feelings by saying," Its probably for the best", " It probably had something wrong so your body rejected it" ect.... Could these things be true? Yes. When people said these things to a woman/couple who has miscarried it can make her/them feel that the feelings of excitement, and love were just "silly".

Most of all I keep thinking....

When a woman has a miscarriage the feeling is unlike anything ever felt before. Your body betrayed you, God betrayed you, you did something wrong, its all on you, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Your baby is gone. You have nothing to show for it, and as a result you are in a lot of pain both physically and spiritually. The most common feeling among women who have had a miscarriage even when surrounded with love is total and complete loneliness.

Waiting doesn't protect you one way or another.

Sean and I didn't tell anyone for a long while about our miscarriage. We didn't want to. It would be embarrassing because no one else knew. I called my Mom, she knew first hand the feelings, and I just laid in bed feeling like a failure.

SO, is it better not to tell anyone, so you can suffer alone?

Sean and I didn't tell anyone about our pregnancy, because its what society told us to do. When we lost the baby I felt totally alone, and disgusting. Sean was an amazing support, but he hurt too. It wasn't until I wrote a blog that I saw the INCREDIBLE support all around me. Family and friends I had no idea experienced the same thing were all the sudden succoring me. They know that unique feeling. That feeling unites us all into a special sisterhood of love and understanding.

After the blog was posted I didn't think of the impact it would have. I had messages from so many people explaining they had a miscarriage and no one knew. Some were wives who had husbands that never knew. All of them, needed someone, who knew those feelings. Women who wished someone knew so they could hold them, and comfort them.

Overall, It's a personal decision on when to announce the pregnancy. What is right for some may not be right for others. I am just a believer, now, that pregnancy isn't something you need to keep a secret :)

The windows of heaven opened.

Wowie, a lot has happened, and I have fallen behind on my writing. This new semester for Sean and I has been an interesting ride thus far. I decided to only take 14 credits, so we could spend more time together, attend the temple regulatory, work out, and cook! Right at the beginning of the semester it seemed everything was going wrong. My car broke down, my laptop died, our freezer stopped working causing most of the food to spoil, and random expenses that started adding up. My practicum was in middle school resource. Lets just say its draining, tough, and makes me feel totally exhausted. I started to feel overwhelmed and stuck. We just blew through all of our pell grant money from the new semester, and we rely on that money to get us though the semester for groceries, rent, my books ect. It's "dead season" for photographers, because wedding season hasn't hit yet. We were making what we had work, but we were both afraid of another random expense.

During this time I was asked in one of my religion classes to develop an attribute of Christ. I chose meekness, because my husband is truly meek. Its his strength and my weakness. While reading and praying I felt the impression that I needed to humble myself and act on any and every prompting that comes my way regardless of the awkwardness or situation. Promptings came flooding in. From sharing my testimony with strangers, walking up to random girls on campus telling them I felt I should tell them that they would be a great missionary, inviting neighbors to move in, feeding basically everyone around me, and giving more of my time than what I felt I had. I realized God has so much work for me to do here in Rexburg. I didn't think much of my efforts, its just what every one should do- help those around you.

Moroni 7:43

43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart.

Although we were overwhelmed we came together and asked in prayer for the guidance to know what to do. I began looking for a part time job, but I didn't want to work more than 10 hours, and it seemed impossible to find. I didn't want Sean to have to pick up another job, or more hours than what he was already working. We continued to pray, pay our tithing, and have trust that it would all work out. Sean really is an amazing person. He comforts me, sustains me, and is very optimistic. One night I began praying for a way to get some extra income. Not more than 20 minuets had passed by when I got an email from a teacher asking me if I would be interested in being his TA! The best part is that it would only be around 10 hours a week, My heart overflowed with gratitude. This wasn't happenstance, or some sort of karma, this was a direct blessing from God. I knew it, and I felt it. My teacher was inspired and I am grateful he acted upon his promptings. I thanked God for this blessing, and continued with life. Then I started getting weddings booked like crazy! I would wake up to 3-4 emails about weddings every day! This was different, and absolutely wonderful! I was gathering deposits weekly, and being able to put money back into our savings. I then woke up to another email from the school saying they re-opened the academic scholarship for me, and that they were re-funding my tuition. None of this is by my doing. All of these blessings come from Him.

Malachi 3:10

I can testify that God is mindful of his children. He knows us. He knows our struggles. He is mindful of our situations. Through trials of learning we gain a stronger relationship with Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. A relationship of trust and love. Knowing God trusts me with promptings is an amazing feeling and blessing. I am weak, and my flaws are apparent. However, through Him I can find my strength, and the ability to keep moving.


“God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future–to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities. God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe.” Jeffrey R. Holland, Terror, Triumph, and a Wedding Feast, CES Fireside, September 2004

Keep moving, keep dreaming, and keep becoming. All he asks of us, is to come unto him.