Saturday, September 24, 2016

Infertility: Our 3-4% Journey

3-4% were the words that made me feel like my heart had been ripped out of my body. A 3-4% chance of becoming pregnant naturally. I immediately looked at Sean looking for some hope and comfort. However, it seemed as though he was looking for me to give him that same hope and comfort. So, there we sat in silence. Lost. The doctor must have noticed and said, “At least its not zero percent” with a hopeful tone. I kept saying that to myself, “it's not zero”, to keep my hopes up. The truth is, it doesn’t help. Not one bit.

I realize there are people who have experienced miracles. People with the 0%, the one and million chances bringing a child into this world. That honestly doesn’t make me feel any better-ha! So please don’t give me those answers. That’s good for them, but that doesn’t mean it will happen for us. I know so many amazing couples that have done everything right, tried everything, and still have no baby. Why didn’t they get the miracle everyone told them about? Was the couple loved less by God? Unworthy of his blessings? No, not at all. I have faith that God can bless us with a miracle, but I also have faith that he doesn’t have to. I’m not the one who calls the shots, and I’m not the one with the time table. In order to have faith, I have to have faith in both options, and answers.

Most everyone assumes infertility is due to something wrong with the woman. Because everyone just assumes I need to be on clomid, or get my cycle straight. Surprisingly my tests came back great. My cycle is great, I ovulate, my uterus is in one piece and is healthy. However, Sean’s tests didn’t come back great. I felt I had already mourned the fact that I was messed up, and the problem with our fertility issues from the start. When we got the results back my heart sank. I didn’t want Sean to go through what I did. Also, there is little to no support for male infertility. It hurts Sean, and its something we didn’t, and no one does, anticipate. It just hurts my heart. Because infertility has been an issue for women in my family I felt I had already mourned and come to terms that I was the “problem”. Now, I watch Sean going through that cycle, and I wish I could take it away.

Infertility can be hard on your life, and marriage. I hate coming out of the bathroom with a negative pregnancy text. I hate the look on Sean’s face. I hate not being on birth control ( I am one of those people who functions way better on it), and I hate how I become depressed and introverted every month of failure. I hate the weight gain from being emotional. Either we are so wasted emotionally we don’t eat, or we just eat crap. Not a good combo. I hate that everyone has advice on how we just need to try_____. Haha. I know they mean well, but our situation isn’t like everyone else’s. Besides that, trust me, we have read every trick google has to offer haha.  IVF is our only real option for having a biological child with the info we have, and we haven’t really decided how we feel about that yet. So, its hard when people act like IVF isn’t a big deal, (it is for us) or they say,” at least there is adoption”, like it fixes everything. Now, this is something Sean and I talked about before we were even married. We are 100% fine with adoption, It’s something we talked about doing even if we had biological children, but with adoption there is still some heartache. There is the wait, the home studies, the financial issues, and the anxiety that something would go wrong. You chose if you want to do national or international. If international you have to pick a country, and that seems beyond overwhelming. Besides that, I would never get to experience what its like to be pregnant, tell Sean I was pregnant, to feel what its like to feel that baby move around and kick, to feel childbirth, to see Sean’s face as he see’s our baby come into the world, that first cry, seeing someone who is half of me, and nursing. I know some people will think,” Gah, that was the worst, If I could have a baby with out doing those things I would!” and that’s okay. But, that’s not me. Having that part taken from me is hard. Really hard. I think there is a level of grieving that adoptive parents must go through. Even with that I just want to bring all the babies home and love them. So if adoption is our option, then so be it.  As of right now we are researching international adoption, and making lifestyle changes in hopes to improve Sean’s next test.


People say the dumbest things. Sometimes I feel that trials we have in life help us become sensitive to others. One day Sean came home upset that a kid in his class was complaining that now he and his wife can’t travel because she got pregnant, and I sat in class with girls who just complain about getting pregnant because it wasn’t what they planned. I had to take really deep breaths to get through that class. I know that if starting a family wasn’t a trial for us, we very well could have been those people too. They mean no harm by what they said, but it can be a dagger to someone around them.

I HATE how some people feel unconformable sharing their joy of pregnancy with me. Why on earth would I be upset that someone else is able to have a baby? It's an amazing thing! I would never be that hard hearted. That’s just for bitter people. I love seeing posts of your growing belly, the ultrasounds, and I love buying cute baby outfits! I will say it always hurts when you see posts about abused babies, or neglected children born to druggy parents. It's hard when I have abused kids in my classroom, that have parents that reproduce like rabbits, and all the kids end up in the system. Its hard not to get on the “why them and not me” train. That’s a dangerous thought that will only lead us to dark and awful road of misery and bitterness. So, we have to make a conscious effort, every day, to take the higher road, and think of the good we can do now.


Even though infertility has been a trial, it has also bonded Sean and I closer together. The 3-4% chance of getting pregnant hurt, but now we knew. No more wondering and stressing. In fact, I feel like the last couple weeks since the doctors has been an extremely happy time in our marriage. Its like we are in another honeymoon stage. Sean recently commented on how its like we can finally live our lives again and get back on track with activities we used to do. I didn’t realize how much infertility was dragging us down. Even though we don’t have a baby yet, or any plans in place, we felt as though we had a burden lifted off of our shoulders. All we have now is truly faith in His plan for us and each other. We are staying in a home while the owners are serving a mission. Without that we wouldn’t be able to afford all the testing we have until we meet the deductible. I am booking weddings for the summer and fall of 2017, Sean and I both got scholarships, we have amazing callings in church that bless our lives, and God has put in our path people who have/will be resources for us with adoption. I get messages and calls from friends offering to be a surrogate, donate, or to be a listening ear. Most of all we have family that supports us and lets us express our fears, and hears our cries.  That leads me to my next blessing, Sean.

There is no one else I would rather go through trials in this life with than Sean. He is always my #1 fan. He is so tender, meek, loving, and understanding. We still have a lot of testing to do, and there is still a chance that there is something wrong with my body as well. If there is something wrong, I know he will take my hand and assure me it will all work out. Sean is always annoyingly optimistic, but its truly something I love about him. No matter what path we are given, I know that I will have Sean by my side giving me courage to take another step. And I know when we finally have a little one to call our own we will say,” it was worth it”, because it always is. He has a plan for us, and we trust in Him. Faith in God meaning having faith in his timing, and his answer. So, we await further knowledge, and lean upon the atonement of Christ. We are beyond blessed, even when trials arise, we are blessed.