Friday, May 25, 2018

Infertility: Sean - "Fruits of Our Labors"

The last couple of months Lizzy has been undergoing some procedures to hopefully get us pregnant. A couple months of negative news, but we had faith for the month of May. The procedure went as planned and the doctor had high hopes. I had high hopes. During the last three years, I have tried all I can to be faithful and to be optimistic. Not just for me, but for Lizzy too. I just wanted to keep us going forward. 

When we lost our baby last July I felt like we could keep trying. Lizzy did not. She needed time. She told me over and over, she needed to regain her faith. I respected her opinion, and we took 7 months off. I have always liked the scripture in Alma about the fruit of the tree that will be delivered to us if we are patient. We have had a roller coaster of a month, including a young teen mother who wanted to know if we would adopt her baby. She decided to keep the baby. I can't imagine how hard that would be. We just pray for the mom and baby. It did hurt... a lot.  I couldn't think of anything else for a good week.


I just knew. I just knew that soon our prayers would be answered. Our procedure in May went well. Lizzy started feeling symptoms of pregnancy too. I felt like I was on eggshells. I wanted to be excited but not too excited until we got the positive results. One night, Lizzy showed me her test. There were two lines. Lines that held some hope and the answer to our promise. We were faithful. We were true. 

Then on Saturday Lizzy began to spot. The spotting got worse, and we knew what was happening. I was mad. I was upset. I felt forsaken. I felt lost. I felt my faith wavering. I didn't know why we had to go through this, again and again. I didn't want to try again. Every cycle is financially straining and I feel guilty for that. I felt so worthless. I was done. I couldn't do this anymore. I was tired of laboring and finding no fruit. While others around were receiving fruit they didn't even want. When others just complain about their fruit. When there are videos of men being angry because they found out their wife is expecting- and we are supposed to find it funny. I then felt my wife's arms around me. She just held me. It just felt good to say the things I felt out loud. To cry. I had been keeping so much in that I felt I was going to burst. We cried. We talked. We prayed. 

Sunday came along, and it seemed to us like a miracle happened. The spotting had stopped. We fasted for this to work. We prayed and I gave her a blessing. We did everything within our power to do. The tests were still positive, and they were darker. We were so hopeful. Then that night the bleeding returned, and we knew there was no going back.

Monday morning came and the Doctor confirmed that Lizzy was having another miscarriage. I felt like the fruit was ripped right out of my hands. The hope, the faith, and the promise. I just feel empty. Lizzy said the doctor kept saying, "This is hard. This is going to continue to be hard. I know that it hurts you." along with that his nurse remembered Lizzy (who wouldn't) and remembered our story- everything. She struggled with infertility, so they have talked a lot. Although we feel alone. It's nice to know that our team knows us personally and ministers to our wounds. 

Lizzy always says that having faith means that we believe that God can perform miracles. It also means that we will have faith that he doesn't have to. We have to have faith in both results. It's a lot harder than it seems. Don't tell me God has a plan. I know that. Its just hard to accept our plan, and that's okay.

 Although my basket is still empty I know there is fruit. Somewhere. And when I find it. It will be the sweetest most precious fruit of all. 

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