Every month I cry. Every month I have to tell Sean. Every month of failure. Holding my husband as he cries. Him holding me when I try to cry silently at night. Him bring me hot coco because I hurt so much. It seems at times like God has forgotten us. Its hard when it seems he answers everyone else prayers first. What did we do wrong?
It was near finals when I broke. Sean was asleep and I started crying uncontrollably. I felt his loving arms wrap around me and he whispered,"Im sorry." He didn't even have to ask what I was upset about because it is always on our mind. It made me feel awful. I never want Sean to feel this is his problem, it's our problem, because we are a team. I am aware that his burden will always feel much different from mine because of his infertility factor. I just wish I could take that from him. I was in a dark place. I was angry. I was so angry at God. Why? Because 2016 was an awful year. We had our infertility issues, gained 40 lbs, and I was trying to constantly stay out of a dark place. I was working 3 jobs, and lost my scholarship by .01 of a point. I watched my sister lose a baby, only to be followed by sweet felicity who for an unknown reason gained a body in this life and left us. If you know me, you know I love being an aunt. I felt completely robbed. I was unbelievably excited not only for my faithful and enduring sister, but that I would have a new baby to snuggle and spoil. Why would God do such a nasty thing? I wasn't okay. Watching my sister lose her sweet baby, watching my mother watching her daughter... I couldn't sleep. There was too much anger in my heart. I would wake up from having flash backs and I was in a funk. Good thing Sean is loving and understanding. He was so sweet to me while I worked though things. At the same time I was teaching in a school that had abused kids, kids that had no food, and kids who didn't even own underwear. It was hard. I just wanted ( and still do) to take those kiddos home and love them. I found I kept getting a little darker, and a little more angry every day.
Why is it that even though we have done everything "right" and they haven't.... they can have a baby and we can't. Sean and I lived chaste lives before getting married, we try to live good christian lives, and we strive to become more like the savior each and every day. We have a stable relationship, we absolutely adore each other, and every time we go to Hobby Lobby Sean comes up with new ideas on how we could decorate a nursery. Meanwhile there are women who find themselves going to get abortions, women who keep having babies with abusive men, and women who have babies for government assistance.
I know that judging others situations wont bring me any kind of happiness. It's just incredibly hard when you see couples who are entirely unprepared ( not that anyone is truly prepared) for children. I know MANY individuals and couples who had had children in unstable situations, drug addicted ect... and that baby changed them for the better. That by having a baby, they have become, something greater than they even thought possible. I would never, ever, ever want to take that experience away from anyone. However, it still hurts, and I think thats a typical feeling for those who struggle with infertility. I haven't been judgy and I honestly don't feel like I am anywhere close to the level of judgy I see many women at when they have fertility issues. It's just hard right now, to see everyone having babies they didn't plan for. Its hard because Sean and I have tried so hard and paid a lot of money to have a baby and well... It's not going to happen for a while.
Look, I KNOW it will all work out. I KNOW we will have a family some day. I KNOW God is aware, and I am content with that. Dark thoughts come and go, but I hold tight to what I know. It's just dumb that OUR way will cost thousands of dollars. That OUR way isn't what we anticipated. That OUR way has a lot more stress on our relationship. Its hard when OUR way is way more complicated. I get angry, and I think thats okay. It's part of healing, its part of giving my burden to Christ. Its hard, and thats just our new normal.
With all of that said and done, we have come to a decision to stop trying. It was just consuming us and all of our actions. Sean will still take supplements, get tested every so often, and we wont be doing anything to prevent pregnancy. However we are going to stop charting, taking temperatures, planning, scheduling, testing, and whatnot. Hopefully by 2018 we will be in a place where we can explore the world of IUI and IVF, but until then we need to focus on us, each other, our relationship, and our personal relationship with God. It feels liberating. I remember that after we decided to take a break I slept so well. Turns out that weight our shoulders was doing a lot to our emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Its time to be us, and our adventures. God is in control, and we know he has a plan. We have an exciting summer coming our way with lots of weddings, travel, and Sean and I should both graduate by next spring. We don't have to let infertility limit us, and we are not going to let it limit us anymore.
