Infertility: Stuck in a hole

I have found myself thinking about how I named the blog " Our New Forever" when I had NO idea that our life would be much different than anticipated.

The last couple weeks I have been really sick. Turns out it was morning sickness! By the time I found out I was even pregnant, it had ended. I wasn't sad at all. I never would have known I was pregnant. It's also part of our reality. The odds of Sean and I having a viable pregnancy naturally with a healthy and chromosomaly sound fetus is less than 1%. While I explained to my friend that I wasn't sad- at all, she explained how I should still frustrated. It's true. I was SO sick, and in pain. Made me wonder how long we would have to climb the dumb mountain until we could bring home a baby of our own.

This summer Sean and I had a wedding in Washington, and we decided to spend some extra time in the National Parks. We found ourselves in Mount Rainer National Park, and decided to do some hiking. We couldn’t find ANY parking. So, I sent Sean into the visitors center to find the perfect hike, and I would find some parking. Once I found parking, Sean came to me excited about the hike he selected. It was low in miles, and had an amazing view. Well, what he didn’t know is the hike was steep and uphill the whole time! Within 300 yards we realized our mistake, but we kept going. I was so out of shape. We both were. I felt like dying. Many people would walk 50-100 yards step off to the side to catch heir breath, yet others could just climb through the pain.  

People often refer to trials as climbing a mountain.

I used that analogy for over a year, and then it became obsolete.

Why? Because I didn’t feel like I was climbing. I wasn’t going anywhere.

My sister told me how sometimes we dig holes in mountains. I realized that I was tired. I didn’t want to go DOWN the mountain, but I didn’t have the strength to go up the mountain. I felt pretty pathetic. So many people around me had “bigger” trials, and they were climbing that mountain just fine. Yet, here I am, sitting in my hole. 

The hike never let up. The sun was blistering, we didn’t have much water left, my body wanted to give up, I was emotionally drained, and all I wanted to do is see the pretty view. Why did it have to be so hard?

Well, Sean was nice to me. He sat with me, and coached me up the trail. He does a good job of sitting in the hole with me. 

Going back to the car wasn't an option. Looking behind me wasn't either. This was my view. 

The view of Sean holding my hand, and leading me up the trail. We switch off who is dragging who up that mountain, but this view was beautiful to me. It gives me a kind of unique hope and support. 

Don't let the tone of this blog fool you. I totally complained the whole time. I was angry at Sean for picking that trail. I had to step off the trail often to even catch my breath.

I complain in this life too. I get angry. But, there he is. Strong when I need him to be strong. 

The truth is, the hiking part was awful, but the view.... it was BEAUTIFUL!

All the sudden I didn't care about how hard the hike was. I was just ecstatic to be at the top, and with Sean. The air seemed sweeter, the breeze was cooling, and there was some shade.

What I didn't see was the beauty that was all around me while I was trying to get to the top. I realized I kinda ruined the journey for myself. So, on the way down, I had a better attitude. Even though I felt my tibia was going to go straight through my femur into my hip! It was s steep trail

I guess the moral of the story is to try to find joy in the journey. Even in the hole you created for yourself. When you feel like it's too hard, look at what you already have. Don't forget the blessings that are around you.

                               

Also, there was another trail we could connect to once we got to the top. The mountains keep coming in life. So when you get to the top of one mountain, make sure you enjoy it! 

Infertility: I don’t know the girl in the mirror, and I hate her.

I know that we are long over due for another blog post.

This summer was a whirlwind! It began with more medical tests, doctors visits, soul searching, answered prayers, and trying to keep the business afloat. We had an amazing season of weddings with PHENOMINAL clients. Then July came.

July 2017 has hands down been thee hardest month we have ever experienced. Early June we had a procedure called an IUI in hopes of having a baby. Well it totally worked, but on July 4^th ( my birthday), I began having another miscarriage. To be totally honest, for me, it was okay. I never felt like it was going to stick. I just knew deep down inside something was wrong. Instead of happy I was just a nervous wreck. Blood work confirmed that it was a miscarriage. When I got the confirmation I was at the hospital with my friend whose baby was in the NICU. Sean was studying for a big test. I wasn’t too worried, because he is one smart kid. On top of it all we were moving too. As stressful as moving is, I needed it. I needed to keep busy. I needed to be distracted. Life presented me with plenty of distractions, so I was set, right?

Sean, my sweet Sean, was devastated. Soon I saw him spiraling down into depression. It was really scary, and I wasn’t sure how to help. I just wanted to take his burden away from him. I just wanted to make him whole. He was sick of feeling broken, and like a failure. In the mists of everything going wrong he had that big test, and he didn’t pass. It meant having to take a semester off to get back into the class, and pushing his graduation year past expected. 

Not going to lie. I did NOT have a good reaction when he came home and told me. A lot of fear and self frustration came out. While in the middle of the freak out I realized I was being irrational. I apologized, but I still feel bad. I couldn’t help but feel responsible. If I would have just waited another month, the miscarriage wouldn’t have messed everything up. If I wouldn’t have moved heavy boxes, drank more water, ect… maybe I would still be pregnant, Sean wouldn’t be depressed, and graduation would be on track. Of course Sean denies it, but it still sticks with me. The guilt of a miscarriage.

August couldn’t come soon enough. We needed to get away. Luckily we had a wedding the very end of July in WA, and we spent a week there on vacation, and then we would fly out to CA for another wedding. We were able to travel for about a month. We talked, we cried, we went to the temple A LOT, Sean came out of the darkness, and we decided to live. 

We were in California, and I was trying on an outfit when I realized something. I don’t know the girl in the mirror. I don’t know her, and I hate her. She is tired, fat, and has built up so many walls. What happened to the happy go lucky girl? What happened to “sister sunshine”. Where did I go? I realized infertility stole more than money and time. It stole my identity.

For the last 2.5 years I have been tracking my body every day, peeing on A LOT of sticks, being pumped full of hormones, struggling to stay above the bitterness and depression knocking at my door. Everyday revolved around trying to have a baby. I stopped caring about my body. I gained 50lbs in one year. ONE YEAR. I know I can’t blame the medications alone, although it is a very common issue. I made bad choices. I would be so good for 2 weeks. I would exercise, drink water, eat clean, and then 14 day wait …..eventually aunt flow would show her ugly face. I realized I never did the things I wanted to do, because, “what if I was pregnant and didn’t know it yet”. I didn’t hike, run, play ball, or do anything really. I know it sounds pathetic. But when you spend as much money ($16k in 2017 alone), time, and energy into having a baby…. Your not willing to take any risks. You become a paranoid person. Every month was full of failure, and we had to pick up the pieces.

I walked out of the store, got in the car, and told Sean I needed to take a vacation from infertility. Not just take a break. I needed to go back on the pill. I needed to know there wasn’t as possibility of being pregnant. I needed to live life. Sean was so supportive! Although it made him sad, I knew he needed a vacation from infertility too. And….

THE LAST 3 MONTHS HAVE BEEN GLORIOUS!!!! We started being active again! Hiking, living life... the good stuff! Oh, and that HUGE burden of infertility was lifted off of our shoulders. Sean expressed not feeling broken and happy. For the first time in 2.5 years he feels totally happy. How sad is that. We didn't even realize it! In all the drama of infertility we both lost who we were. Will we ever go back to who we were? No, but we don’t have to be people we don’t like. I am proud of some things infertility has forced me to become, but we are finding out who we are. Again. 

We decided to stay on vacation and re-evaluate in January. So until then, life is great. We are actually living. We are happy. We are growing. We are soul searching. We are becoming what God created us to be. Most of all we are doing it together. Although we are broken, at least we are broken together! So, while we both want a family, right now we are just mending and living. We have a path. We know its inspired. We have faith, and for the first time in a long time, we feel free! We hare happy!

“Don’t be gloomy. Do not dwell on unkind things. Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. Even if you are not happy, put a smile on your face. ‘Accentuate the positive.’ Look a little deeper for the good. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life.”

― Gordon B. Hinckley

Infertility: How it made our marriage stronger.

Have you heard the saying that storms make trees take deeper roots? That is, when a storm pushes the tree around the roots dig deeper into the ground and the tree becomes stronger. This is something I have thought about the last couple weeks.

You see this image? Well I love it. I love it because I am running into the storm with Sean. A storm we would underestimate.

You see in the 2+ years of marriage have taught me that we have no control in the future.

When we first started dating we began to talk about all these dreams we had, and things we wanted to accomplish in life. Sean told me that the one thing he has always wanted to be was a Dad. I knew this, because he talked about it on the mission. Since he was little boy he just wanted to be a Dad. I felt intimidated because infertility factors runs pretty strong in my family. I didn't want to let him down, and I was very blunt about it. We pretty much talked about what our game plan would be if we couldn't have children. Of course we couldn't have anticipated the storm that laid ahead of us. Nothing could have prepared us for that.

If you're not familiar with past blog posts, or our story, Sean was diagnosed with severe and unexplained male infertility. I, however, don't have any infertility factors. Words cant describe how much this hurt me. I knew that I had a strong support group of women who has infertility issues. Sean didn't have a group of men that understood. He would pretend like it didn't hurt him, but I knew it did. The weight he was carrying was going to make him snap at some point. We went through a lot of emotions. We had a lot of nights feeling abandoned by God. When we have tried to do everything right, why was this happening it us?

I felt that people didn't understand what it was like to be the spouse without infertility factors. I felt guilty. I felt awful guilty. I also felt that maybe I was the reason for his infertility. Maybe with another woman, Sean would be able to have a child. Maybe I was the factor. I beat myself up every day. Sean is a MUCH better person than myself. I wanted to help him, but there wasn't much I could do. Month after month of failure. Sean would wait on the end of the bed for me to come out of the bathroom. I couldn't look him in the eye. I didn't say anything most of the time. I didn't want him to see that I was broken. I didn't want him to feel that it was his fault. On top of this we were in school taking a large load of credits, and watched my sister lose and bury her baby, Felicity. I was emotionally drained, and anything would set me over the edge. I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't stop worrying. I spent a lot of time crying. When I wasn't crying, I spent a lot of time watching Sean cry.

People would often say it must be hard on our marriage. I could see how that could be, but I never felt infertility would destroy our marriage.. Any arguments we had revolved around needing to communicate, but not wanting too. We were the anchor for each other. At least Sean was for me. I never felt distant from Sean, but I did from God.

Maybe I should be ashamed of that. After all here we are two returned missionaries who found it hard to pray. When we did I found it hard to truly open my heart. I was hurt. I was afraid. It seemed as though we were wandering around with no direction. Soon I felt like I could trust God again. I had too. I never lost testimony, but I needed time to feel and be made whole again. We would explore things such as adoption or IVF but nothing felt right. It felt like God was keeping direction from us. That storm seemed to last forever.

You see I truly believe that infertility has aided our marriage more than anything. Early on in our marriage we had to be completely up front. We had to learn how to forgive and let go. We had to learn how to process ignorant comments. I realized that I would rather have Sean in my life, than to have a different husband with 10 kids. I needed Sean. He needed me. We had to realize our new normal.

What I didn't realize is the roots we had grown in our relationship. and the roots we developed in our relationship with God. Other things that may be factors in other marriages don't effect us like they could have. We can't let them. In a way, I am grateful for this challenge early on in our marriage. It gave us the tools that we needed to be able to laugh through the storm.

S&L: Things we have learned in 2 years of marriage!

It’s crazy to me that we have been married for over 2 years. We celebrated our two year anniversary on May 16^th. Even though it’s only been two years, I can’t even image, my life without Sean. He is seriously part of my being. My soul. My world. Let me tell you a little bit about what I have learned about Sean,

1.     Sean doesn’t yell. When in conflict he speaks softly.

2.     He has true faith. He lives 110% of his life with faith and trust in God.

3.     His eyes are green- not hazel. He will try to tell you they are hazel.

4.     His giggle is really high pitched, and sounds like a giddy school girl. It’s the best!

5.     He likes to go on drives. He loves to just drive, and take adventures as they come.

6.     He is not city smart-yet. He was counting all the money in his wallet at the NYC subway….HA!

7.     He genuinely cares for everyone- even people he doesn’t know.

8.     He would give you the shirt off his back.

9.     He trusts everyone. As a result, some people are take advantage of him, but he still gives them the benefit of the doubt.

10.   He is a hard worker.

11.   He gives the best back scratches!

12.   He will eat basically anything and everything.

13.   He loves soda pop.

14.  When I’m weak he lifts me up.

15.  I love when he comes home and gives me the biggest hug.

16.  He calls every time he gets out of class to tell me he is coming home. He calls because he wants to talk to me. I love that he wants to talk to me.

17.  He can fall dead asleep in .0098 seconds flat. It’s annoying.

18.  He wakes up and hour before the alarm (naturally) and cuddles me so I wake up in his arms.

19.  He is adorable with kids. They love him. He is such a fun uncle. He will be an amazing Dad.

20.  He is the greatest blessing. 

We are two peas in a pod. When times get tough, I look at Sean, and I can see how blessed I am.

Lizzy is funny, sweet, beautiful, and she makes my world a better place. I learned that she….

1.     She doesn’t like to be cuddled when she is hot- especially at night.

2.     She lied to me for a year telling me she wasn’t ticklish. LIAR!

3.     She is very caring for those around her.

4.     She is bold but loving. She inspires those around her.

5.     She is an EXREAMLY hard worker.

6.     She is close to the spirit, and acts on any prompting the holy spirt gives her.

7.     She is very good with children. It makes me excited to have children with her!

8.     She doesn’t appreciate my punny humor as I had hoped.

9.     She doesn’t like movies, but she likes TV shows. It’s a compromise I’m willing to take!

10.  I can calm her down just by scratching her back.

11.  Her cuddles mean more to me than anything else. I would be lost without her by my side,

12.  She cooks some freaking amazing dishes. Sometime she just creates dishes. It’s amazing!

13.  She is way fun to travel with. She does her research on places to eat and see.

14.  Waking up to her beautiful face every morning is my favorite. I am so blessed.

15.  No one can make me smile, or make me feel loved like she can.

16.  She is one heck of a dancer. She can get down on a dance floor… in her own style haha.

17.  Even in the lowest of times, I know that she will always be my anchor and support.

18.  She doesn’t like to drive. She likes to daydream in the car. I love her imagination.

19.  There is NEVER a dull moment around her.

20.  My favorite part of my day is when I come home, I open the door, and I see you smiling at me.