When a woman becomes pregnant, a lot of people will tell her not to tell anyone right away. You want to wait until your 13th week of pregnancy when your chance of miscarriage is lower. They say if a miscarriage does happen you wont want to talk about it, and explain to everyone that your not pregnant anymore. My question is ... why? Why would you not want people to know? Why carry the burden alone? Do you think it may be healthy to talk about it? Who came up with this social norm? Does it really protect a woman and save her from a burden if she says nothing? OR does it create a bigger burden?
Why do we wait? You are most likely ecstatic, feeling that secrets are dumb, and you call it a "baby". In the debates of when life start, and when is a fetus a baby... why are we dehumanizing these miscarried babies. Why does a baby all the sudden become a mass of cells when its miscarried? Why are we devaluating a woman's feelings by saying," Its probably for the best", " It probably had something wrong so your body rejected it" ect.... Could these things be true? Yes. When people said these things to a woman/couple who has miscarried it can make her/them feel that the feelings of excitement, and love were just "silly".
Most of all I keep thinking....
When a woman has a miscarriage the feeling is unlike anything ever felt before. Your body betrayed you, God betrayed you, you did something wrong, its all on you, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Your baby is gone. You have nothing to show for it, and as a result you are in a lot of pain both physically and spiritually. The most common feeling among women who have had a miscarriage even when surrounded with love is total and complete loneliness.
Waiting doesn't protect you one way or another.
Sean and I didn't tell anyone for a long while about our miscarriage. We didn't want to. It would be embarrassing because no one else knew. I called my Mom, she knew first hand the feelings, and I just laid in bed feeling like a failure.
SO, is it better not to tell anyone, so you can suffer alone?
Sean and I didn't tell anyone about our pregnancy, because its what society told us to do. When we lost the baby I felt totally alone, and disgusting. Sean was an amazing support, but he hurt too. It wasn't until I wrote a blog that I saw the INCREDIBLE support all around me. Family and friends I had no idea experienced the same thing were all the sudden succoring me. They know that unique feeling. That feeling unites us all into a special sisterhood of love and understanding.
After the blog was posted I didn't think of the impact it would have. I had messages from so many people explaining they had a miscarriage and no one knew. Some were wives who had husbands that never knew. All of them, needed someone, who knew those feelings. Women who wished someone knew so they could hold them, and comfort them.
Overall, It's a personal decision on when to announce the pregnancy. What is right for some may not be right for others. I am just a believer, now, that pregnancy isn't something you need to keep a secret :)
