I know things can go wrong. In fact, I’m kind of surrounded by it. I do sessions at the hospital for babies that don’t get to go home with their families. It's heart-wrenching. It makes me numb, but I am always humbled by the opportunity to give something so precious to those families.
I’m jealous that some women get pregnant, and don’t have the instant fear that they are going to lose the baby. That they feel like they can live a normal active life during the “2-week wait”. That they can announce their pregnancy without fear. I’m jealous that some women can fully enjoy their pregnancy. Me? I don’t think I could ever relax. I have lost too many babies. I have met too many people that have lost their babies in the last trimester.
I know the reasons are usually uncommon and rare. Yet, I feel I have always been apart of that uncommon and rare statistic.
Now that I am pregnant I really want a good deli sandwich, sushi, and Pepsi. Things doctors tell you to avoid when pregnant. My doctor is actually pretty lenient with food restrictions and it has been really tempting. But alas, I don't think I ever could. If something were to happen there is NO way I could forgive myself. When you lose a baby you already analyze every little thing you did previous to figure out how you are to blame ( although you're usually not a factor at all). I have lost too many babies and spent to much time, money, and effort to take any risks.
Do I think other pregnant women are being reckless? Nope, not at all. I know I'm overly sensitive about it all.
I'm just jealous that it doesn't give them anxiety like it gives me. The truth is we couldn't just "try again" if something were to go wrong. It's not that that simple for us.
After multiple losses, I didn't want to shop for Baby C. It was hard, emotionally. I realized having baby items in my home helped me hope that everything would be okay. It helped me connect. I have had a really hard time connecting emotionally to this pregnancy and Baby C. It makes me feel guilty. I don't really know the words to explain it, but it's like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not that you want anything to go wrong. You're just so used to your hopes being dashed and everything going wrong that the thought of something going right is scary.
You see the anxiety starts when you get the positive pregnancy test. It continues as you go in for blood tests to confirm the pregnancy. It builds as you go in for your first ultrasound. I cried in the car and didn't want to go in for our 7-week ultrasound. I was a wreck. Sean was an emotional mess too! Even when I saw that heartbeat you want to know the FIRST emotion I felt? Fear. The thought of setting up a nursery? Fear. Having a baby shower? A lot of fear. What if something goes wrong? What would I do with all the gifts?
Every week I felt more fear. Once we hit 12 months I felt a little better, but then all I was doing was looking up fetal viability EVERY WEEK. I don't think it's "normal" but after some comments on an infertility Facebook page, I have come to find out I'm not the only one with that images saved on my phone.
For people who haven't had infertility or experienced loss, it can seem like these actions are silly. They are, but you see I have emotional walls to protect myself. The debate on if those walls are healthy?! Yea, I don't know. Sometimes we just do what we have to do to survive and get out of bed in the morning.
I'm not sure if I will ever "relax" but I am very grateful for the moments, no matter how short, I feel joy and hope.