Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Miscarriage & Finding Hope

Some of you know, and some of you don't (don't be upset if you didn't know, we were going to tell everyone, but its been really emotional. Its better to just get it out all at once.), but last week I had a miscarriage. It was an emotional experience that taught me so much. I have had so many friends, and family members have miscarriages at all different stages. Regardless of how many weeks, you always feel a sense of loss, and a feeling of being alone.

It's amazing how two pink lines can change your life. When I found out I was pregnant, I was beyond excited, and anxious to tell Sean. It wasn't too much of a surprise that I was pregnant. I was SUPER emotional about everything! A cute picture of a bunny, taco bell, or anything really would send me into tears. I couldn't really control it. Smells, especially cheddar, made me want to puke. I was late, but I kept getting negative tests back. Then, finally, I got a positive! I did the research, figured out what doctor I wanted to see, made plans to make an appointment, and looked up cute ways to tell our family & close friends. Then one night I felt different. I can't really explain what was "different", but I didn't feel the same. The next morning I woke up, and fear hit my soul. I had began having a miscarriage at 6 weeks.

Of course I knew a miscarriage could happen, especially in the early weeks of pregnancy. I was only 6 weeks along, but we were hopeful. When I realized what was happening my heart sank. The only other time I have ever felt that feeling, was on the mission, when someone I loved rejected the gospel. I remember telling Sean what was happening. I could see his heart sink too. Then very lovingly and tender he held me in his arms. I felt guilty, like my body betrayed me, and alone ( even though I knew I wasn't). I kept telling Sean I was sorry, but he just held me. We cried, we prayed, and he left for school.

Not only did I hurt emotionally, but physically too. Soon the pain was crazy. I texted some classmates that knew about my pregnancy what was happening, and to please take notes for me. I took some Tylenol, and tried to rest. I couldn't do it. Laying around just made me feel more miserable. So I got up, showered, dressed, and walked to school. I arrived late to my first class. After class a friend came to me and gave me the biggest hug. She just said," I just love you, just know that". The next class my class friend gave me a hug and told me that I had a bug in my hair ( thats a big step for her..haha) but was genuinely concerned about me, then I had a kid in another one of my classes tell me if I ever wanted to just talk about it that they would totally listen. Basically I had a lot of amazing people around me. People I had only known for 3 weeks. Sean called me and told me we had brownies at our door when he got home. It really touched our hearts. Eventually I called Sean to pick me up from class. My back was spazzing out, I felt awful, pain all around, and I couldn't pay attention in class.

Even Though I had all this goodness around me, I still felt.... alone. Satan keyed in on that. Soon I had thoughts that I was just "used goods" that I would never be able to actually have a baby, and that I was worthless. Luckily my husband is THE BEST HUMAN EVER. For real, Sean is an amazing person. He was totally my rock. He showed emotion, and talked about how losing the baby made him feel at loss too. This really helped, because he validated that it was real. That I was pregnant, and that we lost a baby we were really excited to bring into this world.

I would be lying if I said I didn't become super upset, that there are women who abort their babies, when all we did was pray to keep ours. I really tried to not let the bitterness into my heart, but it was really hard not to. Once I even felt pregnant, I remember feeling this innate responsibility for this thing growing inside of me. It came so natural, and so instinctual. How could someone get an abortion? I honestly have no idea. What I experienced in those 6 weeks was beautiful! It has made me even more excited, and I still am, for my friend who are expecting! They get to experience more than what I did, and I believe it gets better from there.

Tender mercies were around us as well. Like I said before I didn't find out I was pregnant when more girls do. By the time I found out I was basically 6 weeks along. I feel that if I would've known before, if I would've gone to the OB, seen a picture, heart a heartbeat... It would be really difficult. I believe God knows that. I know it's not the end of the world. I know that I probably can get pregnant again. I just felt that I was able to experience a little of what family and friends have gone though. I can't even imagine going through what I have seen others go through.  Friends and family who lost their babies in the second trimester,  third trimester, at birth, or even months after birth. Those who are not able to have children anymore, or who have never been able to get pregnant. There are a lot of burdens.

I often wondered why they didn't talk about their trials more. After my miscarriage I feel as though I know about a couple reasons. They can feel alone, damaged, angry and they hurt emotionally/physically. The best thing I did was tell people. It was hard to tell people. I have had girls in my other classes approach me wanting to talk about their miscarriages, because they never told anyone. Soon I was astounded at how many have had miscarriages in my classes, and never told anyone, because they felt alone. Its interesting that you feel alone, and many of the people around you feel alone as well. Many times we forget about the husbands as well. Sean felt a loss too. He cried, prayed, and tried to understand "why" just as I did. Regardless if they show it, husbands mourn too.

Guess what? It's OK to feel. It's OK to eat a carton of ice-cream. It's OK to cry, be angry, and upset. BUT there comes a time, when you have to let go. A time to heal, and a time to give that burden to God. That time doesn't have to be now, or tomorrow, but a goal to work towards. Every day progressing.

I am grateful for a lot of things. My savior who gave me peace, my amazing husband, my supportive mom, and all the people around me who made me feel like I wasn't alone. Im grateful that though this trial, I have been able to help other women who have felt alone.  I'm not going to say I don't struggle with it still, because I do. I have faith in God, and in His timing. Sometimes it's difficult not to get discouraged. The only thing we can do is move on, and try to lift the burdens of those around us. This scripture John 14:26-27 came to my heart and spoke peace. We are never alone, and we need not be afraid. He, Jesus Christ, has paid it all for us. He suffered so that we can heal, and become whole.