Infertility: How it made our marriage stronger.

Have you heard the saying that storms make trees take deeper roots? That is, when a storm pushes the tree around the roots dig deeper into the ground and the tree becomes stronger. This is something I have thought about the last couple weeks.

You see this image? Well I love it. I love it because I am running into the storm with Sean. A storm we would underestimate.

You see in the 2+ years of marriage have taught me that we have no control in the future.

When we first started dating we began to talk about all these dreams we had, and things we wanted to accomplish in life. Sean told me that the one thing he has always wanted to be was a Dad. I knew this, because he talked about it on the mission. Since he was little boy he just wanted to be a Dad. I felt intimidated because infertility factors runs pretty strong in my family. I didn't want to let him down, and I was very blunt about it. We pretty much talked about what our game plan would be if we couldn't have children. Of course we couldn't have anticipated the storm that laid ahead of us. Nothing could have prepared us for that.

If you're not familiar with past blog posts, or our story, Sean was diagnosed with severe and unexplained male infertility. I, however, don't have any infertility factors. Words cant describe how much this hurt me. I knew that I had a strong support group of women who has infertility issues. Sean didn't have a group of men that understood. He would pretend like it didn't hurt him, but I knew it did. The weight he was carrying was going to make him snap at some point. We went through a lot of emotions. We had a lot of nights feeling abandoned by God. When we have tried to do everything right, why was this happening it us?

I felt that people didn't understand what it was like to be the spouse without infertility factors. I felt guilty. I felt awful guilty. I also felt that maybe I was the reason for his infertility. Maybe with another woman, Sean would be able to have a child. Maybe I was the factor. I beat myself up every day. Sean is a MUCH better person than myself. I wanted to help him, but there wasn't much I could do. Month after month of failure. Sean would wait on the end of the bed for me to come out of the bathroom. I couldn't look him in the eye. I didn't say anything most of the time. I didn't want him to see that I was broken. I didn't want him to feel that it was his fault. On top of this we were in school taking a large load of credits, and watched my sister lose and bury her baby, Felicity. I was emotionally drained, and anything would set me over the edge. I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't stop worrying. I spent a lot of time crying. When I wasn't crying, I spent a lot of time watching Sean cry.

People would often say it must be hard on our marriage. I could see how that could be, but I never felt infertility would destroy our marriage.. Any arguments we had revolved around needing to communicate, but not wanting too. We were the anchor for each other. At least Sean was for me. I never felt distant from Sean, but I did from God.

Maybe I should be ashamed of that. After all here we are two returned missionaries who found it hard to pray. When we did I found it hard to truly open my heart. I was hurt. I was afraid. It seemed as though we were wandering around with no direction. Soon I felt like I could trust God again. I had too. I never lost testimony, but I needed time to feel and be made whole again. We would explore things such as adoption or IVF but nothing felt right. It felt like God was keeping direction from us. That storm seemed to last forever.

You see I truly believe that infertility has aided our marriage more than anything. Early on in our marriage we had to be completely up front. We had to learn how to forgive and let go. We had to learn how to process ignorant comments. I realized that I would rather have Sean in my life, than to have a different husband with 10 kids. I needed Sean. He needed me. We had to realize our new normal.

What I didn't realize is the roots we had grown in our relationship. and the roots we developed in our relationship with God. Other things that may be factors in other marriages don't effect us like they could have. We can't let them. In a way, I am grateful for this challenge early on in our marriage. It gave us the tools that we needed to be able to laugh through the storm.