Sunday, October 29, 2017

Infertility: I don’t know the girl in the mirror, and I hate her.

I know that we are long over due for another blog post.

This summer was a whirlwind! It began with more medical tests, doctors visits, soul searching, answered prayers, and trying to keep the business afloat. We had an amazing season of weddings with PHENOMINAL clients. Then July came.



July 2017 has hands down been thee hardest month we have ever experienced. Early June we had a procedure called an IUI in hopes of having a baby. Well it totally worked, but on July 4th ( my birthday), I began having another miscarriage. To be totally honest, for me, it was okay. I never felt like it was going to stick. I just knew deep down inside something was wrong. Instead of happy I was just a nervous wreck. Blood work confirmed that it was a miscarriage. When I got the confirmation I was at the hospital with my friend whose baby was in the NICU. Sean was studying for a big test. I wasn’t too worried, because he is one smart kid. On top of it all we were moving too. As stressful as moving is, I needed it. I needed to keep busy. I needed to be distracted. Life presented me with plenty of distractions, so I was set, right?

Sean, my sweet Sean, was devastated. Soon I saw him spiraling down into depression. It was really scary, and I wasn’t sure how to help. I just wanted to take his burden away from him. I just wanted to make him whole. He was sick of feeling broken, and like a failure. In the mists of everything going wrong he had that big test, and he didn’t pass. It meant having to take a semester off to get back into the class, and pushing his graduation year past expected. 


Not going to lie. I did NOT have a good reaction when he came home and told me. A lot of fear and self frustration came out. While in the middle of the freak out I realized I was being irrational. I apologized, but I still feel bad. I couldn’t help but feel responsible. If I would have just waited another month, the miscarriage wouldn’t have messed everything up. If I wouldn’t have moved heavy boxes, drank more water, ect… maybe I would still be pregnant, Sean wouldn’t be depressed, and graduation would be on track. Of course Sean denies it, but it still sticks with me. The guilt of a miscarriage.

August couldn’t come soon enough. We needed to get away. Luckily we had a wedding the very end of July in WA, and we spent a week there on vacation, and then we would fly out to CA for another wedding. We were able to travel for about a month. We talked, we cried, we went to the temple A LOT, Sean came out of the darkness, and we decided to live. 


We were in California, and I was trying on an outfit when I realized something. I don’t know the girl in the mirror. I don’t know her, and I hate her. She is tired, fat, and has built up so many walls. What happened to the happy go lucky girl? What happened to “sister sunshine”. Where did I go? I realized infertility stole more than money and time. It stole my identity.

For the last 2.5 years I have been tracking my body every day, peeing on A LOT of sticks, being pumped full of hormones, struggling to stay above the bitterness and depression knocking at my door. Everyday revolved around trying to have a baby. I stopped caring about my body. I gained 50lbs in one year. ONE YEAR. I know I can’t blame the medications alone, although it is a very common issue. I made bad choices. I would be so good for 2 weeks. I would exercise, drink water, eat clean, and then 14 day wait …..eventually aunt flow would show her ugly face. I realized I never did the things I wanted to do, because, “what if I was pregnant and didn’t know it yet”. I didn’t hike, run, play ball, or do anything really. I know it sounds pathetic. But when you spend as much money ($16k in 2017 alone), time, and energy into having a baby…. Your not willing to take any risks. You become a paranoid person. Every month was full of failure, and we had to pick up the pieces.

I walked out of the store, got in the car, and told Sean I needed to take a vacation from infertility. Not just take a break. I needed to go back on the pill. I needed to know there wasn’t as possibility of being pregnant. I needed to live life. Sean was so supportive! Although it made him sad, I knew he needed a vacation from infertility too. And….

THE LAST 3 MONTHS HAVE BEEN GLORIOUS!!!! We started being active again! Hiking, living life... the good stuff! Oh, and that HUGE burden of infertility was lifted off of our shoulders. Sean expressed not feeling broken and happy. For the first time in 2.5 years he feels totally happy. How sad is that. We didn't even realize it! In all the drama of infertility we both lost who we were. Will we ever go back to who we were? No, but we don’t have to be people we don’t like. I am proud of some things infertility has forced me to become, but we are finding out who we are. Again. 


We decided to stay on vacation and re-evaluate in January. So until then, life is great. We are actually living. We are happy. We are growing. We are soul searching. We are becoming what God created us to be. Most of all we are doing it together. Although we are broken, at least we are broken together! So, while we both want a family, right now we are just mending and living. We have a path. We know its inspired. We have faith, and for the first time in a long time, we feel free! We hare happy!

“Don’t be gloomy. Do not dwell on unkind things. Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. Even if you are not happy, put a smile on your face. ‘Accentuate the positive.’ Look a little deeper for the good. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life.”


― Gordon B. Hinckley



1 comment:

  1. I always love reading your blogs! Glad to hear you guys are happy and living life to the fullest. Keep enjoying the sunlight when it shines. :)

    ReplyDelete