Monday, July 2, 2018

Q&A | I'm pregnant and my friend is struggling. What are the dos and don'ts?



Q: I'm pregnant and over the moon with excitement. It wasn't difficult for us to conceive. My best friend has been trying for years but hasn't been able to get pregnant. I don't want to hurt her. What do I do?

A: Well, I get this question A LOT! There are no one-size fits all solution, but I do believe that some of these points can help any situation.

First of all, announcing it in a group setting, or a formal setting for that matter can be humiliating. Of course, your friends will be happy for you, but they will also be experiencing a flood of different emotions that are hard to describe. Unless you have experienced loss and infertility you simply can't understand the happy and sad emotions that mix together so rapidly.

Second, don't expect them to react, or to attend a baby shower. You don't want fake happiness, crying, anger, or for them avoid you right? Then you HAVE to give them time to process it.

I LOOOOOVVVE This video! It shows the pain a baby shower can have, but the love and power of a friend that cares as well. 



I usually suggest sending them a private text or message before announcing it. This allows them to gather the information, process it, and internalize it. They will answer back when they are ready. It may take seconds - weeks for them to do it. Don't mistake it for them not being happy for you. A baby shower can be a HUGE trigger for someone who has had a loss or no success. I have gone to many and held it together only to go home and cry myself to sleep. It's my reality, and baby showers shove that reality down your throat.

I honestly feel like the worst thing to do is call them, do it in person, or announce it in a group setting. It can put them on the spot and make them feel even worse. If you are having a shower let them know that if it's going to be hard for them to attend you understand. If you don't it can make things awkward between you two. If you care about them you will understand that this is sensitive for them- and rightfully so. 

Third, ask them what they are comfortable with. Some people are comfortable with their friends expressing their frustrations and joy of pregnancy. I personally am fine with it. It takes a conscious effort every day to not be jealous or bitter because of our situation. However, I know many who are not okay with it. The constant reminder of their empty arms and aching heart drives them into a dark hole of depression and hopelessness. I have been there, many times. It is up to both parties to have open communication about emotional boundaries. I was really grateful for a friend that reached out to me telling me that she knew her pregnancy must be difficult for me to watch as we were pregnant at the same time, but I had a miscarriage. She told me that she knew I loved her and she knew I was having a hard time. She totally understood if I needed to unfollow her on social media until I was emotionally comfortable with it. 



Doing this allows you to relish in your exciting adventure of pregnancy and becoming a parent and be sensitive to your friend's needs. 

I do not believe its right for someone with infertility to expect others to hide their joy of pregnancy. Afterall, when their time comes, they will be just as vocal.



Fourth, I know pregnancy is hard. Although in my pregnancies I haven't experienced anything past 6 weeks, I understand that your comfort level continues to decline. Just know there are many people on your social media who would do anything to feel sick. They would take all day sickness, shots, and inability to sleep for their entire pregnancy if it meant they got to have a baby. 

I don't think people understand how many of their friends struggle with infertility in silence. 


Fifth, don't say, or anything close to, " It all happened so fast", "Didn't think it would work on the first try", or "I didn't think it would be so easy". It's just a dagger to the heart for someone struggling. It's also not really important- ha. I realize it's just to fill in gaps of the conversation, or maybe it is a big surprise! Just know your audience.

Overall, just love. When in doubt, communicate.

I am one that doesn't want my friends or family to hide their babies from me. I want to snuggle them. I want to be part of their life. Just because I can't have a baby of my own doesn't mean I can't love on another baby! For others, it may take some time. 

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