Infertility: Blind to Miracles

I have been wanting to write another blog for quite some time. I started many but I couldn’t post them. Truth be told I had someone attack my blogs. Calling them selfish, insensitive, and rude. It felt like an extremely personal attack. It’s not easy to open up to…well… everyone. I just feel like I have an opportunity to talk about what others feel are taboo/secretive when it comes to infertility. Most of all, it allows me to heal. If you feel offended by my blogs, please feel free not to read them. What a simple solution!

About 5 months ago I realized I wasn’t feeling “normal” spiritually. I didn’t find desire to read and pray like I typically do. I felt hardened, and I felt distant from Christ. It seemed like every time I tried to make changes in my life to come closer to Christ something happened to knock me back down. I experienced another miscarriage, my dear sister had another miscarriage and lost her baby boy, I was stressed about passing my praxis, and we were trying to adjust to our new life in Idaho Falls. I recently going through my journal and found this entry.
“11-26-17
I’m just spiritually numb.

I’m struggling. I do all the right things. Read, pray, church, Temple... but I have a hard time feeling the spirit. I know it’s me and my walls. I feel tricked by God. Just not because of just my infertility, but those around me. We are actually not even trying right now. It’s not even on my radar, so emotionally and physically I’m doing tons better, but I realize my spiritual strength is lacking.

I spent some time with Mariam this week. I can’t even describe the pain I feel for her. It was like everything coming out of her mouth with being hurt is what I have wanted to express but couldn’t. I wish I could be strong like her, but I just feel so weak. I don’t feel like I can be sad. If I am sad then it really hurts Sean, and I don’t want to hurt him. He already hurts more than I can imagine. I realize that I had a lot of open wounds. I have built up walls. I don’t feel like I really trust God. I don’t really feel his love for me. I know he is a loving Heavenly Father, but I do feel like I’m forgotten. I’m sick of hearing that he has a plan for me, because my plan sucks. Meanwhile druggies around me are having babies like rabbits.

Its hard to go to church. Its hard to hear about everyone’s prayers being answered. Its hard to hear about promises that seem to be granted to everyone else. I know it sounds selfish. And, it is. But it is the truth. Its how I feel. It’s not that I feel a little left out when it comes to God’s blessings. Every fast Sunday just feels so rote. I pray and fast for the same thing.

I still have a testimony, and I am strong in what I know. I don’t deny God and his love for his children. I’m just not sure where I fit into all of that. I just feel stuck in a void. Numb. I just want to feel."



A month ago (I think?) I was in relief society (women’s meeting at church) and during our lesson we got into smaller groups and were asked about an experience where we experienced blessings/miracles. As I sat in the circle I was hearing amazing stories. Stories of people being blessed through the power of prayer, miracles, and the atonement (sacrifice) of Jesus Christ. There was even one about someone not being able to have a baby, but then being able to get pregnant and have the baby. It didn’t really bother me. That’s how dead inside I am. I guess that is the positive and not so healthy side to being numb. My heart began to race. I knew that soon people would be looking to me to share, something. I knew I had been blessed, but I couldn’t think of anything. My palms became sweaty and I felt like I was just going to start crying. What would I tell them? “I’m just really pathetic and I can’t see anything blessings. I’m struggling. I know that, but I’m trying to learn to trust God again”. Then someone said, “what about you Lizzy”, and at that moment someone else said, “ sorry I just wanted to share….”

OH MY GOODNESS. Never in my life have I been more grateful for someone else to talk when I was about to open my mouth. I even thought, “that IS my blessing right now. That I don’t have to talk…”. I sat there the rest of the meeting feeling absolutely awful. I know that the problem wasn’t God. It wasn’t his lack of love. It was me. I built walls, many, between me and God.

When I came home I got a message from a wonderful woman that was sitting in my group, “I’m guessing it’s hard to hear success stories about having babies all of the time... I wanted to give you hug today... I’m sorry!”
All the sudden I didn’t feel quite so alone. Here is a woman, who doesn’t necessarily know ( I believe) what my trials feel like, but she is willing to reach down and lift me to where she stands. It was then when I felt an immediate rush of love from God. I guess a wall was knocked down. I began to see all the little blessing around me. I felt a little lighter, and a little happier. Then it came to me. Maybe I was limiting God. Who am I to demand blessings?

I have the ability to choose. I can choose to stay in my miserable hole of self pity ( don’t get me wrong, I think there is a time and season for that), or I can climb out and see that there are many people offering their steady hand to help me on my way. I was looking for my miracles and blessings in the wrong places. I came to a ward where there are many who know the similar feelings I feel. There are some still waiting for their miracle too. I have an amazing placement for student teaching with a mentor that is beyond phenomenal. I have a business partner who uplifting and a much needed support. I have family who loves and supports us. We have amazing sister missionaries who always bring sunshine. I didn’t die all those times driving from Poky to IF in blizzards. I have amazing clients who send me sweet notes and messages. I have a tribe of women to support me. I have a husband that is my everything. I have a God, that gave his son Jesus Christ, so I could take upon me his name and become better. That I could lean upon His sacrifice. That I have the gift of the Holy Ghost (Spirit) and that through it I can feel content.

So, as a summary. I realized it wasn’t God being silent. In many ways he put other people in my path to help me, I just couldn't see it. My eyes were all mucked up. I needed to wash my eyes so I could see clearly.

Is washing your eyes easy? Nope. Scary like no other.
Is the trial still hard? Yes. But, I don’t feel forgotten.
Will I always be strong? Most likely no, but I think that's okay.

I’m sure Elizabeth in the bible felt similar feelings as I have. Yet, she did get her miracle. Hopefully I don’t have to wait as long- ha! Overall, we cannot limit God. He is all powerful. He is our father. What we think might be the end may be the beginning of something so different and beautiful we are forced to our knees. After all, God will make everything beautiful in his timing. He has shown me that he can multiple times. I just have to remind myself that he can do it again...




Ecclesiastes Chapter 3

To every thing there is a season—Whatever God does, it will be forever—God will judge the righteous and the wicked.


1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:


2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;


3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;


4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;


5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;


6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;


7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;


8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.


9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?


10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.


11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also hehath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.