US: Emptying Our Bags

Well, life continues to be a rollercoaster! I have been spending a lot of time reflecting. The move to Idaho Falls in September 2017 was pretty difficult for us. We both kinda got in this "funk". Looking back I think we were both finally going through the motions of the events we had a couple months before. Right after we lost the baby and Sean didn't pass his test (July) we traveled non-stop. (a blog about those adventures) In fact, we didn't have a home. We just lived out of our suitcases.

Once we got moved in it seemed like a fresh start! However, you can't move very far forward when your dragging loads of emotional baggage. For the last 5-6 months, both of us has been exhausted. We would come home from school or work and just want to sleep. Constantly lethargic, wanting to just sleep all day and anxiety about the little things in life. Honestly, Sean and I probably needed to go on a little something to help us move forward, but we didn't so the process was a tad bit longer haha.

Simply, emotional baggage not only keeps us from moving forward and progressing, it makes life a whole lot harder than it needs to be!

I found myself reading Elder Hollands talk- Like a Broken Vessel, and there was a part that really stuck out to me. "In preventing illness whenever possible, watch for the stress indicators in yourself and in others, you may be able to help. As with your automobile, be alert to rising temperatures, excessive speed, or a tank low on fuel. When you face “depletion depression,” make the requisite adjustments. Fatigue is the common enemy of us all—so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill. Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly will take time, later on, to be ill."

I have often said infertility made me extremely aware of my body. I can read and recognize my cycle without any tests. Yet, through the process, I forgot to be aware of my emotional state. I was so worried about Sean, I forgot to take care of myself. Obviously, it was just a recipe for disaster.

"Whatever your struggle, my brothers, and sisters—mental or emotional or physical or otherwise—do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."

Even when life seems like a low tide eventually a high tide will come. I think Sean and I needed a change. We needed to change together. Many, MANY times we both tried to change independently, but again, we were making it harder than it needed to be. Of course, it would be easier for us to change together and have the support system! Why do we always try to do everything by ourselves?

Wanna know what we changed?

1. When we go to bed, we plug in our phones, and we don't touch them until we wake up in the morning.

2. We have made a continuous effort to kneel down and pray in the morning and evening. Sure its easier to pray laying down in bed, but there is something unifying in kneeling with your spouse in prayer.

3. Being honest. Being honest with your feelings and emotions isn't easy, but it is essential for us to continually build that emotional intimacy. An extra bonus is getting out some of those kept up emotions!

4. Attempting to go to bed earlier and getting up earlier! Still a work in progress, but we are getting there.

5. Diet and exercise. Still a work in progress, but it has helped A Lot.

6. Medication- no shame whatsoever!

7. A change in Sean's major. Sean officially changed his major to biology with an emphasis in neuroscience. We feel really good about this change and its potential outcomes.

8. Scheduling a time to go to the temple and date night. No brainer there!

9. Having faith. I was waiting to try more procedures to get pregnant until we were more settled in life. I realized I wasn't having any faith in Sean, us, and God. So, we will be trying some procedures to hopefully get pregnant in the next couple months. Fingers crossed!!!

10. We are choosing to take control. Choosing to make changes in our life.

So if you feel like your stuck in a rut. Maybe even a broken vessel? Know there is light coming. Know that you can be healed. Be patient with yourself. Get to know yourself emotionally. Make simple changes in your life to bring you peace and happiness. Most of all if you need help- get it! There is absolutely no shame. I LOVE counseling. I think everyone could use it!

"If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation."

I hope we can become a culture of taking emotional health seriously. I hope we can become a culture where honesty is valued and appreciated. I hope we can be a culture where we can respond with love to people who are hurting (and may not show it in an appropriate way). I hope that we can all chose to become a little better and empty our bags!

Infertility: Blind to Miracles

I have been wanting to write another blog for quite some time. I started many but I couldn’t post them. Truth be told I had someone attack my blogs. Calling them selfish, insensitive, and rude. It felt like an extremely personal attack. It’s not easy to open up to…well… everyone. I just feel like I have an opportunity to talk about what others feel are taboo/secretive when it comes to infertility. Most of all, it allows me to heal. If you feel offended by my blogs, please feel free not to read them. What a simple solution!

About 5 months ago I realized I wasn’t feeling “normal” spiritually. I didn’t find desire to read and pray like I typically do. I felt hardened, and I felt distant from Christ. It seemed like every time I tried to make changes in my life to come closer to Christ something happened to knock me back down. I experienced another miscarriage, my dear sister had another miscarriage and lost her baby boy, I was stressed about passing my praxis, and we were trying to adjust to our new life in Idaho Falls. I recently going through my journal and found this entry.
“11-26-17
I’m just spiritually numb.

I’m struggling. I do all the right things. Read, pray, church, Temple... but I have a hard time feeling the spirit. I know it’s me and my walls. I feel tricked by God. Just not because of just my infertility, but those around me. We are actually not even trying right now. It’s not even on my radar, so emotionally and physically I’m doing tons better, but I realize my spiritual strength is lacking.

I spent some time with Mariam this week. I can’t even describe the pain I feel for her. It was like everything coming out of her mouth with being hurt is what I have wanted to express but couldn’t. I wish I could be strong like her, but I just feel so weak. I don’t feel like I can be sad. If I am sad then it really hurts Sean, and I don’t want to hurt him. He already hurts more than I can imagine. I realize that I had a lot of open wounds. I have built up walls. I don’t feel like I really trust God. I don’t really feel his love for me. I know he is a loving Heavenly Father, but I do feel like I’m forgotten. I’m sick of hearing that he has a plan for me, because my plan sucks. Meanwhile druggies around me are having babies like rabbits.

Its hard to go to church. Its hard to hear about everyone’s prayers being answered. Its hard to hear about promises that seem to be granted to everyone else. I know it sounds selfish. And, it is. But it is the truth. Its how I feel. It’s not that I feel a little left out when it comes to God’s blessings. Every fast Sunday just feels so rote. I pray and fast for the same thing.

I still have a testimony, and I am strong in what I know. I don’t deny God and his love for his children. I’m just not sure where I fit into all of that. I just feel stuck in a void. Numb. I just want to feel."



A month ago (I think?) I was in relief society (women’s meeting at church) and during our lesson we got into smaller groups and were asked about an experience where we experienced blessings/miracles. As I sat in the circle I was hearing amazing stories. Stories of people being blessed through the power of prayer, miracles, and the atonement (sacrifice) of Jesus Christ. There was even one about someone not being able to have a baby, but then being able to get pregnant and have the baby. It didn’t really bother me. That’s how dead inside I am. I guess that is the positive and not so healthy side to being numb. My heart began to race. I knew that soon people would be looking to me to share, something. I knew I had been blessed, but I couldn’t think of anything. My palms became sweaty and I felt like I was just going to start crying. What would I tell them? “I’m just really pathetic and I can’t see anything blessings. I’m struggling. I know that, but I’m trying to learn to trust God again”. Then someone said, “what about you Lizzy”, and at that moment someone else said, “ sorry I just wanted to share….”

OH MY GOODNESS. Never in my life have I been more grateful for someone else to talk when I was about to open my mouth. I even thought, “that IS my blessing right now. That I don’t have to talk…”. I sat there the rest of the meeting feeling absolutely awful. I know that the problem wasn’t God. It wasn’t his lack of love. It was me. I built walls, many, between me and God.

When I came home I got a message from a wonderful woman that was sitting in my group, “I’m guessing it’s hard to hear success stories about having babies all of the time... I wanted to give you hug today... I’m sorry!”
All the sudden I didn’t feel quite so alone. Here is a woman, who doesn’t necessarily know ( I believe) what my trials feel like, but she is willing to reach down and lift me to where she stands. It was then when I felt an immediate rush of love from God. I guess a wall was knocked down. I began to see all the little blessing around me. I felt a little lighter, and a little happier. Then it came to me. Maybe I was limiting God. Who am I to demand blessings?

I have the ability to choose. I can choose to stay in my miserable hole of self pity ( don’t get me wrong, I think there is a time and season for that), or I can climb out and see that there are many people offering their steady hand to help me on my way. I was looking for my miracles and blessings in the wrong places. I came to a ward where there are many who know the similar feelings I feel. There are some still waiting for their miracle too. I have an amazing placement for student teaching with a mentor that is beyond phenomenal. I have a business partner who uplifting and a much needed support. I have family who loves and supports us. We have amazing sister missionaries who always bring sunshine. I didn’t die all those times driving from Poky to IF in blizzards. I have amazing clients who send me sweet notes and messages. I have a tribe of women to support me. I have a husband that is my everything. I have a God, that gave his son Jesus Christ, so I could take upon me his name and become better. That I could lean upon His sacrifice. That I have the gift of the Holy Ghost (Spirit) and that through it I can feel content.

So, as a summary. I realized it wasn’t God being silent. In many ways he put other people in my path to help me, I just couldn't see it. My eyes were all mucked up. I needed to wash my eyes so I could see clearly.

Is washing your eyes easy? Nope. Scary like no other.
Is the trial still hard? Yes. But, I don’t feel forgotten.
Will I always be strong? Most likely no, but I think that's okay.

I’m sure Elizabeth in the bible felt similar feelings as I have. Yet, she did get her miracle. Hopefully I don’t have to wait as long- ha! Overall, we cannot limit God. He is all powerful. He is our father. What we think might be the end may be the beginning of something so different and beautiful we are forced to our knees. After all, God will make everything beautiful in his timing. He has shown me that he can multiple times. I just have to remind myself that he can do it again...




Ecclesiastes Chapter 3

To every thing there is a season—Whatever God does, it will be forever—God will judge the righteous and the wicked.


1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:


2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;


3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;


4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;


5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;


6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;


7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;


8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.


9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?


10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.


11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also hehath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

Infertility: Stuck in a hole

I have found myself thinking about how I named the blog " Our New Forever" when I had NO idea that our life would be much different than anticipated.

The last couple weeks I have been really sick. Turns out it was morning sickness! By the time I found out I was even pregnant, it had ended. I wasn't sad at all. I never would have known I was pregnant. It's also part of our reality. The odds of Sean and I having a viable pregnancy naturally with a healthy and chromosomaly sound fetus is less than 1%. While I explained to my friend that I wasn't sad- at all, she explained how I should still frustrated. It's true. I was SO sick, and in pain. Made me wonder how long we would have to climb the dumb mountain until we could bring home a baby of our own.

This summer Sean and I had a wedding in Washington, and we decided to spend some extra time in the National Parks. We found ourselves in Mount Rainer National Park, and decided to do some hiking. We couldn’t find ANY parking. So, I sent Sean into the visitors center to find the perfect hike, and I would find some parking. Once I found parking, Sean came to me excited about the hike he selected. It was low in miles, and had an amazing view. Well, what he didn’t know is the hike was steep and uphill the whole time! Within 300 yards we realized our mistake, but we kept going. I was so out of shape. We both were. I felt like dying. Many people would walk 50-100 yards step off to the side to catch heir breath, yet others could just climb through the pain.  

People often refer to trials as climbing a mountain.

I used that analogy for over a year, and then it became obsolete.

Why? Because I didn’t feel like I was climbing. I wasn’t going anywhere.

My sister told me how sometimes we dig holes in mountains. I realized that I was tired. I didn’t want to go DOWN the mountain, but I didn’t have the strength to go up the mountain. I felt pretty pathetic. So many people around me had “bigger” trials, and they were climbing that mountain just fine. Yet, here I am, sitting in my hole. 

The hike never let up. The sun was blistering, we didn’t have much water left, my body wanted to give up, I was emotionally drained, and all I wanted to do is see the pretty view. Why did it have to be so hard?

Well, Sean was nice to me. He sat with me, and coached me up the trail. He does a good job of sitting in the hole with me. 

Going back to the car wasn't an option. Looking behind me wasn't either. This was my view. 

The view of Sean holding my hand, and leading me up the trail. We switch off who is dragging who up that mountain, but this view was beautiful to me. It gives me a kind of unique hope and support. 

Don't let the tone of this blog fool you. I totally complained the whole time. I was angry at Sean for picking that trail. I had to step off the trail often to even catch my breath.

I complain in this life too. I get angry. But, there he is. Strong when I need him to be strong. 

The truth is, the hiking part was awful, but the view.... it was BEAUTIFUL!

All the sudden I didn't care about how hard the hike was. I was just ecstatic to be at the top, and with Sean. The air seemed sweeter, the breeze was cooling, and there was some shade.

What I didn't see was the beauty that was all around me while I was trying to get to the top. I realized I kinda ruined the journey for myself. So, on the way down, I had a better attitude. Even though I felt my tibia was going to go straight through my femur into my hip! It was s steep trail

I guess the moral of the story is to try to find joy in the journey. Even in the hole you created for yourself. When you feel like it's too hard, look at what you already have. Don't forget the blessings that are around you.

                               

Also, there was another trail we could connect to once we got to the top. The mountains keep coming in life. So when you get to the top of one mountain, make sure you enjoy it! 

Infertility: I don’t know the girl in the mirror, and I hate her.

I know that we are long over due for another blog post.

This summer was a whirlwind! It began with more medical tests, doctors visits, soul searching, answered prayers, and trying to keep the business afloat. We had an amazing season of weddings with PHENOMINAL clients. Then July came.

July 2017 has hands down been thee hardest month we have ever experienced. Early June we had a procedure called an IUI in hopes of having a baby. Well it totally worked, but on July 4^th ( my birthday), I began having another miscarriage. To be totally honest, for me, it was okay. I never felt like it was going to stick. I just knew deep down inside something was wrong. Instead of happy I was just a nervous wreck. Blood work confirmed that it was a miscarriage. When I got the confirmation I was at the hospital with my friend whose baby was in the NICU. Sean was studying for a big test. I wasn’t too worried, because he is one smart kid. On top of it all we were moving too. As stressful as moving is, I needed it. I needed to keep busy. I needed to be distracted. Life presented me with plenty of distractions, so I was set, right?

Sean, my sweet Sean, was devastated. Soon I saw him spiraling down into depression. It was really scary, and I wasn’t sure how to help. I just wanted to take his burden away from him. I just wanted to make him whole. He was sick of feeling broken, and like a failure. In the mists of everything going wrong he had that big test, and he didn’t pass. It meant having to take a semester off to get back into the class, and pushing his graduation year past expected. 

Not going to lie. I did NOT have a good reaction when he came home and told me. A lot of fear and self frustration came out. While in the middle of the freak out I realized I was being irrational. I apologized, but I still feel bad. I couldn’t help but feel responsible. If I would have just waited another month, the miscarriage wouldn’t have messed everything up. If I wouldn’t have moved heavy boxes, drank more water, ect… maybe I would still be pregnant, Sean wouldn’t be depressed, and graduation would be on track. Of course Sean denies it, but it still sticks with me. The guilt of a miscarriage.

August couldn’t come soon enough. We needed to get away. Luckily we had a wedding the very end of July in WA, and we spent a week there on vacation, and then we would fly out to CA for another wedding. We were able to travel for about a month. We talked, we cried, we went to the temple A LOT, Sean came out of the darkness, and we decided to live. 

We were in California, and I was trying on an outfit when I realized something. I don’t know the girl in the mirror. I don’t know her, and I hate her. She is tired, fat, and has built up so many walls. What happened to the happy go lucky girl? What happened to “sister sunshine”. Where did I go? I realized infertility stole more than money and time. It stole my identity.

For the last 2.5 years I have been tracking my body every day, peeing on A LOT of sticks, being pumped full of hormones, struggling to stay above the bitterness and depression knocking at my door. Everyday revolved around trying to have a baby. I stopped caring about my body. I gained 50lbs in one year. ONE YEAR. I know I can’t blame the medications alone, although it is a very common issue. I made bad choices. I would be so good for 2 weeks. I would exercise, drink water, eat clean, and then 14 day wait …..eventually aunt flow would show her ugly face. I realized I never did the things I wanted to do, because, “what if I was pregnant and didn’t know it yet”. I didn’t hike, run, play ball, or do anything really. I know it sounds pathetic. But when you spend as much money ($16k in 2017 alone), time, and energy into having a baby…. Your not willing to take any risks. You become a paranoid person. Every month was full of failure, and we had to pick up the pieces.

I walked out of the store, got in the car, and told Sean I needed to take a vacation from infertility. Not just take a break. I needed to go back on the pill. I needed to know there wasn’t as possibility of being pregnant. I needed to live life. Sean was so supportive! Although it made him sad, I knew he needed a vacation from infertility too. And….

THE LAST 3 MONTHS HAVE BEEN GLORIOUS!!!! We started being active again! Hiking, living life... the good stuff! Oh, and that HUGE burden of infertility was lifted off of our shoulders. Sean expressed not feeling broken and happy. For the first time in 2.5 years he feels totally happy. How sad is that. We didn't even realize it! In all the drama of infertility we both lost who we were. Will we ever go back to who we were? No, but we don’t have to be people we don’t like. I am proud of some things infertility has forced me to become, but we are finding out who we are. Again. 

We decided to stay on vacation and re-evaluate in January. So until then, life is great. We are actually living. We are happy. We are growing. We are soul searching. We are becoming what God created us to be. Most of all we are doing it together. Although we are broken, at least we are broken together! So, while we both want a family, right now we are just mending and living. We have a path. We know its inspired. We have faith, and for the first time in a long time, we feel free! We hare happy!

“Don’t be gloomy. Do not dwell on unkind things. Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. Even if you are not happy, put a smile on your face. ‘Accentuate the positive.’ Look a little deeper for the good. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life.”

― Gordon B. Hinckley