Infertility: Where Do We Start?

"Where do we start?"

I get at least 2 messages a week asking me this questions. Endeavoring in the journey of getting answers can be overwhelming. I will share what we did. This is in no way the "correct" or "right" way, but it worked for us, and we got answers fast! Everything is purely a suggestion.

First off if you are under the age of 35 doctors ask you try consecutive for a year before coming in. If you are over 35 they ask you to try for 6 consecutive months. If you have health conditions you are already aware of like PCOS, undescended testicle, endometriosis ect... Its something you can go in earlier for, or at least bring it up at your next appointment with your gynecologist.

Just know you are NOT alone! There are SO many people around you who are struggling too! Build up a supportive tribe!!!!

THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO!
1. Download an app to help you track everything. I like the app, Ovia best!
2. Study up on your anatomy. I talk to a lot of girls who don't know what their cervix is. Study male and female reproductive systems! Youtube has some great educational videos.
3. Buy ovulation tests! Click on HERE to see the ones I order. They are MUCH more at Walmart.
4. Make sure you track everything on your app! You want at least a couple months tracked before you go in. I had 8 months, and my doctor was able to move faster because of it.

Its been a year, so what do we do?

Well I did my research! I had a friend that used Dr. Jason Gunderson in Idaho Falls and really liked working with him. I looked more into him and he had good reviews for dealing with infertility. One review said that he wont waste your time trying to fix something he cant, keep you waiting, and  he will send you to a specialist without hesitation. PERFECT! I hear so many stories of people who spend years at the gynecologists trying to figure something out. Once they went to a specialist everything moved really fast!

Our initial meeting went very well! He sat down and talked to us about the most common factors, got health history, and ordered a semen analysis for Sean and an ultrasound of my uterus, and 21 day progesterone test for me. He told us the faster we got our test done, the faster we would get answers. SO, we got both done that week! I had the results back within 4 days! My test was great, and Sean's test... not so much! However they wanted us to know how common it was, and that they wanted us to see a specialist. So we were referred us to the reproductive care in UT. The next week we to Sandy, UT and met with Dr. Blauer ( he comes to IF every month... I think-ha). What a kind man he is! He ordered more tests for both of us. Luckily my insurance covers infertility testing! RCC ( reproductive care center) is great and SO helpful! They give you a cost sheet at the beginning to show the cost of each test if you are paying out of pocket vs. insurance. They also have payment plans for IVF and income based financial assistance. We got a lot of blood test, ultrasounds, ect... there are other blogs that talk about that!

After testing you hopefully get answers. I felt very informed by Dr. Blauer, and he took his time with us. He has so many people and connections to set you up with immediately if you need it. He offered cheaper solutions for us. He understands us, because he took the time to get to know us. He suggested we go back to Dr. Gunderson for IUI ( instead of making trips to UT) and if we want to do IVF he will be in IF in December. So, that is where we are now!

I hope this was somewhat helpful! Just don't get stuck in an obgyn's office. Be proactive and get answers!

Baby dust to you all!

When Good News Is Bad

Well we spent a whole week getting tested. Blood tests, ultrasounds, HSG, and more blood tests.

We waited forever for our results. Somehow express lab is good at making everything take longer. However we finally got all the test back.

THE RESULTS WERE:

Lizzy: You have a healthy uterus, better than average egg supply, HSG test showed that nothing is blocked, no cysts on ovaries... Blood tests came back great! Thyroid and hormone levels are in the average range. You are an excellent candidate for IVF.

Sean: Your blood tests came back great! Everything is in the average range. Your scrotal ultrasound came back normal. No problems there. 

This is great news! Right?

I don't feel so great! Sometimes its easier when you know the problem so you can try to fix it. So we were hoping that Sean's next SA was better. We waited a week to set up an appointment with the doctor and the results are....

Not much has changed. 

It felt like someone punched me in the gut. My heart broke. As I looked at my dear sweetheart I could see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes. Because there is nothing we can "fix". No surgeries, injections...zip. Doctor said its just his body. We can keep trying to help it with supplements and lifestyle changes, but thats just about it. Therefore, here are the percentages we were given.
Natural conception: 3-4%
IUI: 5-6%
IVF: 50-60%

Obviously there is a big gap between IUI and IVF in success predictions and in cost. IUI is around $300-400 while one round of IVF is around 11-15k ( depending on several factors). 

Oddly this quote from one of my favorite books came to mind. Its something I used to have printed and up in my locker. 

This is reality. We are "that couple". Our lives are not going to be what we thought, and thats okay. So we have to get creative in bringing children into this world. That isn't going to change the fact that Sean is my most favorite person in the world. That doesn't change the fact that I know God has a plan. In the same way it doesn't make the hurt go away. It doesn't mean I feel a little betrayed at times. I sometimes get angry when I work with some of my beautiful students who, because of their birth mother and drugs, have physical and mental disabilities. Why can they have babies? 

The one thing that doesn't change is the fact I would rather be married to Sean and have no children, than be married to someone else and have a large family. He is part of my soul. I cannot image my life without him. Today, after the phone call, I held my sweetheart as he cried in my arms. I didn't know I could feel so much hurt for someone else. I feel it, physically. I hurt for him. 

Who knew this would be so tough. Life. 

I do know what I do have. I have support. I have a testimony of my Savior, his atoning sacrifice, and his unwavering love. I have my Sean. 

I really am lucky. I need to be thankful for what I do have instead of focusing on what I don't. Because, when I look around I am blessed beyond measure. 

Infertility: Our 3-4% Journey

3-4% were the words that made me feel like my heart had been ripped out of my body. A 3-4% chance of becoming pregnant naturally. I immediately looked at Sean looking for some hope and comfort. However, it seemed as though he was looking for me to give him that same hope and comfort. So, there we sat in silence. Lost. The doctor must have noticed and said, “At least its not zero percent” with a hopeful tone. I kept saying that to myself, “it's not zero”, to keep my hopes up. The truth is, it doesn’t help. Not one bit.

I realize there are people who have experienced miracles. People with the 0%, the one and million chances bringing a child into this world. That honestly doesn’t make me feel any better-ha! So please don’t give me those answers. That’s good for them, but that doesn’t mean it will happen for us. I know so many amazing couples that have done everything right, tried everything, and still have no baby. Why didn’t they get the miracle everyone told them about? Was the couple loved less by God? Unworthy of his blessings? No, not at all. I have faith that God can bless us with a miracle, but I also have faith that he doesn’t have to. I’m not the one who calls the shots, and I’m not the one with the time table. In order to have faith, I have to have faith in both options, and answers.

Most everyone assumes infertility is due to something wrong with the woman. Because everyone just assumes I need to be on clomid, or get my cycle straight. Surprisingly my tests came back great. My cycle is great, I ovulate, my uterus is in one piece and is healthy. However, Sean’s tests didn’t come back great. I felt I had already mourned the fact that I was messed up, and the problem with our fertility issues from the start. When we got the results back my heart sank. I didn’t want Sean to go through what I did. Also, there is little to no support for male infertility. It hurts Sean, and its something we didn’t, and no one does, anticipate. It just hurts my heart. Because infertility has been an issue for women in my family I felt I had already mourned and come to terms that I was the “problem”. Now, I watch Sean going through that cycle, and I wish I could take it away.

Infertility can be hard on your life, and marriage. I hate coming out of the bathroom with a negative pregnancy text. I hate the look on Sean’s face. I hate not being on birth control ( I am one of those people who functions way better on it), and I hate how I become depressed and introverted every month of failure. I hate the weight gain from being emotional. Either we are so wasted emotionally we don’t eat, or we just eat crap. Not a good combo. I hate that everyone has advice on how we just need to try_____. Haha. I know they mean well, but our situation isn’t like everyone else’s. Besides that, trust me, we have read every trick google has to offer haha.  IVF is our only real option for having a biological child with the info we have, and we haven’t really decided how we feel about that yet. So, its hard when people act like IVF isn’t a big deal, (it is for us) or they say,” at least there is adoption”, like it fixes everything. Now, this is something Sean and I talked about before we were even married. We are 100% fine with adoption, It’s something we talked about doing even if we had biological children, but with adoption there is still some heartache. There is the wait, the home studies, the financial issues, and the anxiety that something would go wrong. You chose if you want to do national or international. If international you have to pick a country, and that seems beyond overwhelming. Besides that, I would never get to experience what its like to be pregnant, tell Sean I was pregnant, to feel what its like to feel that baby move around and kick, to feel childbirth, to see Sean’s face as he see’s our baby come into the world, that first cry, seeing someone who is half of me, and nursing. I know some people will think,” Gah, that was the worst, If I could have a baby with out doing those things I would!” and that’s okay. But, that’s not me. Having that part taken from me is hard. Really hard. I think there is a level of grieving that adoptive parents must go through. Even with that I just want to bring all the babies home and love them. So if adoption is our option, then so be it.  As of right now we are researching international adoption, and making lifestyle changes in hopes to improve Sean’s next test.

People say the dumbest things. Sometimes I feel that trials we have in life help us become sensitive to others. One day Sean came home upset that a kid in his class was complaining that now he and his wife can’t travel because she got pregnant, and I sat in class with girls who just complain about getting pregnant because it wasn’t what they planned. I had to take really deep breaths to get through that class. I know that if starting a family wasn’t a trial for us, we very well could have been those people too. They mean no harm by what they said, but it can be a dagger to someone around them.

I HATE how some people feel unconformable sharing their joy of pregnancy with me. Why on earth would I be upset that someone else is able to have a baby? It's an amazing thing! I would never be that hard hearted. That’s just for bitter people. I love seeing posts of your growing belly, the ultrasounds, and I love buying cute baby outfits! I will say it always hurts when you see posts about abused babies, or neglected children born to druggy parents. It's hard when I have abused kids in my classroom, that have parents that reproduce like rabbits, and all the kids end up in the system. Its hard not to get on the “why them and not me” train. That’s a dangerous thought that will only lead us to dark and awful road of misery and bitterness. So, we have to make a conscious effort, every day, to take the higher road, and think of the good we can do now.

Even though infertility has been a trial, it has also bonded Sean and I closer together. The 3-4% chance of getting pregnant hurt, but now we knew. No more wondering and stressing. In fact, I feel like the last couple weeks since the doctors has been an extremely happy time in our marriage. Its like we are in another honeymoon stage. Sean recently commented on how its like we can finally live our lives again and get back on track with activities we used to do. I didn’t realize how much infertility was dragging us down. Even though we don’t have a baby yet, or any plans in place, we felt as though we had a burden lifted off of our shoulders. All we have now is truly faith in His plan for us and each other. We are staying in a home while the owners are serving a mission. Without that we wouldn’t be able to afford all the testing we have until we meet the deductible. I am booking weddings for the summer and fall of 2017, Sean and I both got scholarships, we have amazing callings in church that bless our lives, and God has put in our path people who have/will be resources for us with adoption. I get messages and calls from friends offering to be a surrogate, donate, or to be a listening ear. Most of all we have family that supports us and lets us express our fears, and hears our cries.  That leads me to my next blessing, Sean.

There is no one else I would rather go through trials in this life with than Sean. He is always my #1 fan. He is so tender, meek, loving, and understanding. We still have a lot of testing to do, and there is still a chance that there is something wrong with my body as well. If there is something wrong, I know he will take my hand and assure me it will all work out. Sean is always annoyingly optimistic, but its truly something I love about him. No matter what path we are given, I know that I will have Sean by my side giving me courage to take another step. And I know when we finally have a little one to call our own we will say,” it was worth it”, because it always is. He has a plan for us, and we trust in Him. Faith in God meaning having faith in his timing, and his answer. So, we await further knowledge, and lean upon the atonement of Christ. We are beyond blessed, even when trials arise, we are blessed.

The Burden of Secrets

After many conversations with loved ones and friends about miscarriages, I have been pondering, why we keep early pregnancy a secret. Does it really protect anyone?

When a woman becomes pregnant, a lot of people will tell her not to tell anyone right away. You want to wait until your 13th week of pregnancy when your chance of miscarriage is lower. They say if a miscarriage does happen you wont want to talk about it, and explain to everyone that your not pregnant anymore. My question is ... why? Why would you not want people to know? Why carry the burden alone? Do you think it may be healthy to talk about it? Who came up with this social norm? Does it really protect a woman and save her from a burden if she says nothing? OR does it create a bigger burden?

Why do we wait? You are most likely ecstatic, feeling that secrets are dumb, and you call it a "baby". In the debates of when life start, and when is a fetus a baby... why are we dehumanizing these miscarried babies. Why does a baby all the sudden become a mass of cells when its miscarried? Why are we devaluating a woman's feelings by saying," Its probably for the best", " It probably had something wrong so your body rejected it" ect.... Could these things be true? Yes. When people said these things to a woman/couple who has miscarried it can make her/them feel that the feelings of excitement, and love were just "silly".

Most of all I keep thinking....

When a woman has a miscarriage the feeling is unlike anything ever felt before. Your body betrayed you, God betrayed you, you did something wrong, its all on you, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Your baby is gone. You have nothing to show for it, and as a result you are in a lot of pain both physically and spiritually. The most common feeling among women who have had a miscarriage even when surrounded with love is total and complete loneliness.

Waiting doesn't protect you one way or another.

Sean and I didn't tell anyone for a long while about our miscarriage. We didn't want to. It would be embarrassing because no one else knew. I called my Mom, she knew first hand the feelings, and I just laid in bed feeling like a failure.

SO, is it better not to tell anyone, so you can suffer alone?

Sean and I didn't tell anyone about our pregnancy, because its what society told us to do. When we lost the baby I felt totally alone, and disgusting. Sean was an amazing support, but he hurt too. It wasn't until I wrote a blog that I saw the INCREDIBLE support all around me. Family and friends I had no idea experienced the same thing were all the sudden succoring me. They know that unique feeling. That feeling unites us all into a special sisterhood of love and understanding.

After the blog was posted I didn't think of the impact it would have. I had messages from so many people explaining they had a miscarriage and no one knew. Some were wives who had husbands that never knew. All of them, needed someone, who knew those feelings. Women who wished someone knew so they could hold them, and comfort them.

Overall, It's a personal decision on when to announce the pregnancy. What is right for some may not be right for others. I am just a believer, now, that pregnancy isn't something you need to keep a secret :)

The windows of heaven opened.

Wowie, a lot has happened, and I have fallen behind on my writing. This new semester for Sean and I has been an interesting ride thus far. I decided to only take 14 credits, so we could spend more time together, attend the temple regulatory, work out, and cook! Right at the beginning of the semester it seemed everything was going wrong. My car broke down, my laptop died, our freezer stopped working causing most of the food to spoil, and random expenses that started adding up. My practicum was in middle school resource. Lets just say its draining, tough, and makes me feel totally exhausted. I started to feel overwhelmed and stuck. We just blew through all of our pell grant money from the new semester, and we rely on that money to get us though the semester for groceries, rent, my books ect. It's "dead season" for photographers, because wedding season hasn't hit yet. We were making what we had work, but we were both afraid of another random expense.

During this time I was asked in one of my religion classes to develop an attribute of Christ. I chose meekness, because my husband is truly meek. Its his strength and my weakness. While reading and praying I felt the impression that I needed to humble myself and act on any and every prompting that comes my way regardless of the awkwardness or situation. Promptings came flooding in. From sharing my testimony with strangers, walking up to random girls on campus telling them I felt I should tell them that they would be a great missionary, inviting neighbors to move in, feeding basically everyone around me, and giving more of my time than what I felt I had. I realized God has so much work for me to do here in Rexburg. I didn't think much of my efforts, its just what every one should do- help those around you.

Moroni 7:43

43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart.

Although we were overwhelmed we came together and asked in prayer for the guidance to know what to do. I began looking for a part time job, but I didn't want to work more than 10 hours, and it seemed impossible to find. I didn't want Sean to have to pick up another job, or more hours than what he was already working. We continued to pray, pay our tithing, and have trust that it would all work out. Sean really is an amazing person. He comforts me, sustains me, and is very optimistic. One night I began praying for a way to get some extra income. Not more than 20 minuets had passed by when I got an email from a teacher asking me if I would be interested in being his TA! The best part is that it would only be around 10 hours a week, My heart overflowed with gratitude. This wasn't happenstance, or some sort of karma, this was a direct blessing from God. I knew it, and I felt it. My teacher was inspired and I am grateful he acted upon his promptings. I thanked God for this blessing, and continued with life. Then I started getting weddings booked like crazy! I would wake up to 3-4 emails about weddings every day! This was different, and absolutely wonderful! I was gathering deposits weekly, and being able to put money back into our savings. I then woke up to another email from the school saying they re-opened the academic scholarship for me, and that they were re-funding my tuition. None of this is by my doing. All of these blessings come from Him.

Malachi 3:10

I can testify that God is mindful of his children. He knows us. He knows our struggles. He is mindful of our situations. Through trials of learning we gain a stronger relationship with Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. A relationship of trust and love. Knowing God trusts me with promptings is an amazing feeling and blessing. I am weak, and my flaws are apparent. However, through Him I can find my strength, and the ability to keep moving.


“God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future–to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities. God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe.” Jeffrey R. Holland, Terror, Triumph, and a Wedding Feast, CES Fireside, September 2004

Keep moving, keep dreaming, and keep becoming. All he asks of us, is to come unto him.

Miscarriage & Finding Hope

Some of you know, and some of you don't (don't be upset if you didn't know, we were going to tell everyone, but its been really emotional. Its better to just get it out all at once.), but last week I had a miscarriage. It was an emotional experience that taught me so much. I have had so many friends, and family members have miscarriages at all different stages. Regardless of how many weeks, you always feel a sense of loss, and a feeling of being alone.

It's amazing how two pink lines can change your life. When I found out I was pregnant, I was beyond excited, and anxious to tell Sean. It wasn't too much of a surprise that I was pregnant. I was SUPER emotional about everything! A cute picture of a bunny, taco bell, or anything really would send me into tears. I couldn't really control it. Smells, especially cheddar, made me want to puke. I was late, but I kept getting negative tests back. Then, finally, I got a positive! I did the research, figured out what doctor I wanted to see, made plans to make an appointment, and looked up cute ways to tell our family & close friends. Then one night I felt different. I can't really explain what was "different", but I didn't feel the same. The next morning I woke up, and fear hit my soul. I had began having a miscarriage at 6 weeks.

Of course I knew a miscarriage could happen, especially in the early weeks of pregnancy. I was only 6 weeks along, but we were hopeful. When I realized what was happening my heart sank. The only other time I have ever felt that feeling, was on the mission, when someone I loved rejected the gospel. I remember telling Sean what was happening. I could see his heart sink too. Then very lovingly and tender he held me in his arms. I felt guilty, like my body betrayed me, and alone ( even though I knew I wasn't). I kept telling Sean I was sorry, but he just held me. We cried, we prayed, and he left for school.

Not only did I hurt emotionally, but physically too. Soon the pain was crazy. I texted some classmates that knew about my pregnancy what was happening, and to please take notes for me. I took some Tylenol, and tried to rest. I couldn't do it. Laying around just made me feel more miserable. So I got up, showered, dressed, and walked to school. I arrived late to my first class. After class a friend came to me and gave me the biggest hug. She just said," I just love you, just know that". The next class my class friend gave me a hug and told me that I had a bug in my hair ( thats a big step for her..haha) but was genuinely concerned about me, then I had a kid in another one of my classes tell me if I ever wanted to just talk about it that they would totally listen. Basically I had a lot of amazing people around me. People I had only known for 3 weeks. Sean called me and told me we had brownies at our door when he got home. It really touched our hearts. Eventually I called Sean to pick me up from class. My back was spazzing out, I felt awful, pain all around, and I couldn't pay attention in class.

Even Though I had all this goodness around me, I still felt.... alone. Satan keyed in on that. Soon I had thoughts that I was just "used goods" that I would never be able to actually have a baby, and that I was worthless. Luckily my husband is THE BEST HUMAN EVER. For real, Sean is an amazing person. He was totally my rock. He showed emotion, and talked about how losing the baby made him feel at loss too. This really helped, because he validated that it was real. That I was pregnant, and that we lost a baby we were really excited to bring into this world.

I would be lying if I said I didn't become super upset, that there are women who abort their babies, when all we did was pray to keep ours. I really tried to not let the bitterness into my heart, but it was really hard not to. Once I even felt pregnant, I remember feeling this innate responsibility for this thing growing inside of me. It came so natural, and so instinctual. How could someone get an abortion? I honestly have no idea. What I experienced in those 6 weeks was beautiful! It has made me even more excited, and I still am, for my friend who are expecting! They get to experience more than what I did, and I believe it gets better from there.

Tender mercies were around us as well. Like I said before I didn't find out I was pregnant when more girls do. By the time I found out I was basically 6 weeks along. I feel that if I would've known before, if I would've gone to the OB, seen a picture, heart a heartbeat... It would be really difficult. I believe God knows that. I know it's not the end of the world. I know that I probably can get pregnant again. I just felt that I was able to experience a little of what family and friends have gone though. I can't even imagine going through what I have seen others go through.  Friends and family who lost their babies in the second trimester,  third trimester, at birth, or even months after birth. Those who are not able to have children anymore, or who have never been able to get pregnant. There are a lot of burdens.

I often wondered why they didn't talk about their trials more. After my miscarriage I feel as though I know about a couple reasons. They can feel alone, damaged, angry and they hurt emotionally/physically. The best thing I did was tell people. It was hard to tell people. I have had girls in my other classes approach me wanting to talk about their miscarriages, because they never told anyone. Soon I was astounded at how many have had miscarriages in my classes, and never told anyone, because they felt alone. Its interesting that you feel alone, and many of the people around you feel alone as well. Many times we forget about the husbands as well. Sean felt a loss too. He cried, prayed, and tried to understand "why" just as I did. Regardless if they show it, husbands mourn too.

Guess what? It's OK to feel. It's OK to eat a carton of ice-cream. It's OK to cry, be angry, and upset. BUT there comes a time, when you have to let go. A time to heal, and a time to give that burden to God. That time doesn't have to be now, or tomorrow, but a goal to work towards. Every day progressing.

I am grateful for a lot of things. My savior who gave me peace, my amazing husband, my supportive mom, and all the people around me who made me feel like I wasn't alone. Im grateful that though this trial, I have been able to help other women who have felt alone.  I'm not going to say I don't struggle with it still, because I do. I have faith in God, and in His timing. Sometimes it's difficult not to get discouraged. The only thing we can do is move on, and try to lift the burdens of those around us. This scripture John 14:26-27 came to my heart and spoke peace. We are never alone, and we need not be afraid. He, Jesus Christ, has paid it all for us. He suffered so that we can heal, and become whole.

Today I was bullied. Random observation on college students.......

So, I am in this class, where we got to teach in groups, lessons we were assigned. The first time people were teaching, I was just messing around being like a little kid I work with for my teacher education. Over the weekend I was going though all syllabuses ( to petition a class), and I found one from one of my favorite classes. Education phycology. I took this same class basically twice ( because ISU wouldn't accept my USU class), and both times I loved it. One of the aspects I loved of it was how to handle the different characters in a classroom.  Overall we were suppose to learn why students do the things they do. You will always have a variety of characters in a classroom. In this class we also did observations in a classroom where we picked one student, and watched them in the classroom/how they interacted with peers.

ANYWAYS, in this class where we are teaching, I decided to become that kid. Lets call her Emily. She was pretty much like the student I was already trying to be like. Emily was really a nice girl. She was a little too competitive, she wasn't really quiet, and she was smart! However, while watching Emily I saw how she was constantly being left out, being told on, and in one word: bullied. She would try not to show it, but after some time I could see it. She would get quiet, and not participate. OR she would get louder, fight back, and try to act like it did't hurt.

Now, keep in mind that everyone I am with are adults. We are all going into education. While I did these things, guess what happened? Exactly what happened to Emily. I was kinda really surprised. There were "students" who sought to pick me out, tease me, some just laughed, and some didn't care one way or another. While one girl was saying something mean, I said, " oh ya, well your retarded!"

Should that word ever be said in a classroom? No! Should it ever be used to mock or make fun of? Absolutely not. I just remember Emily saying it when she got overwhelmed. After I said it, I even felt bad. It really isn't a work that should be used out of context. When Emily said it, the other girl turned her into the teacher, while the rest of the group backed her up to make sure Emily got in big trouble. Should Emily get in trouble? Yes, it was uncalled for. However she was backed into a corner, and she needed an escape. Her escape just wasn't an appropriate one. During this time my professor was coming around. I told him I was being bullied, and to a response, the rest of the group was telling him how obnoxious, stupid, and loud I was being. They wanted to get me in trouble. I didn't have anyone to back me up, I didn't have any friends, and I didn't fit in. A girl began saying it was a good thing this one professor didn't hear me say that word. I had a couple thoughts. 1. So are you going to tattle on me? 2. If you feel the same way, why did't you say something? I don't allow that word, and I have said," oh please don't use that word..." numerous times! So, I was a little surprised that in a group that I am guessing is mostly SPED majors, no one said anything.

Im sure the girls are nice. I really don't know any of them well. It was still surprising though. Apparently its okay to be rude if you are acting like a child? I mean, no one is perfect. It was just eye opening for sure.

All the sudden, I felt bad. I was pretending to be someone else, but yet, it hurt me. We sat down in a circle and they didn't let me in. Then a girl on the other side invited me to sit by her. I believe she was probably that kind of child too, keeping the peace. I sat down and began thinking about poor Emily. She probably felt this, if not more, every day! How awful that must be to experience daily. She acted the way she did as a response to others actions. One on one, Emily was a hoot! I think she desperately wanted friends, but just didn't "fit in".

So, what is this about? I saw how when adults revert back into children, bullying become okay. Then I realized, they don't have to revert. Bullying is in all ages. I thought of the kid in my math class who no one likes because he is loud, and pretty obnoxious. Was he Emily too? Was I being one of the other students who were slowly backing him into a corner? I saw him in the library after all my classes, and with this on my mind I went up to him. I first apologized for laughing at the question he had that morning. It wasn't right. Even if the teacher just explained it, he didn't understand the question, and that was ok. He looked at me like some kind of freak. Then I sat down and told him what I had just experienced. His eyes started to water up. He told me that was pretty accurate. He remembers feeling that way in second grade, and that feeling never left. He said he knows he is a little too much, but he is still trying to figure out how to be "accepted".

Well.... I am a horrible person. Without realizing it, I was being a bully. So what if everyone else laughed at him. It wasn't right, he was just asking a question. 

I remember having some bullies at school growing up. I think I had so many friends that I did't really care/ I had people to back me up. I was bullied at church. I knew then, and now its just because they were jealous, and angry in their own lives. Some years they teamed up against me, but I just hung out with the younger girls anyways! Plus, I promised myself that I wouldn't let someone else go though what I did. So, I tried to take care of them. I had one bad bully in HS. She was a senior, and she just had it out for me. I remember we were in drama when a girl said," that poor girl from the other HS really needed a bra! Watching her jump was making me hurt!" This bully senior girl didn't hear and said,"what?" So I repeated what was said. I even remember saying<" _____ said it, not me. You asked what she said!"..... Well from that moment on, to the end of the year I was a perverted, freak, nasty, gross person. I would hear her talking about me, and she would say it to my face. If I tried to explain that it wasn't even what I said, my words were turned around. I found myself feeling like I was those things. I didn't want to go to that class, and I avoided her at all cost. I cried. I just didn't understand why I was being made out to be a person I wasn't. I think it was over a boy, who I didn't like, but she did. He was good friends with me. I think it was about him because she told me,"stay away from him you are just nasty". I still remember those words, so it must still be alive in me, and I re-visited those emotions today while pretending to be Emily. I forgot how that felt. Deep inside me I realized that I never wanted to be the reason anyone felt that, and I needed to become better.

Basically, we all have times where we may be a bully, and not even notice it. There are reasons people act the way they do. The effects of bullying are life long. I hope we can try to be a little better each day. Become a friend to someone who may feel left out. When that girl let me into the circle, it felt good. Will we let people into our circles?

This list petty much sums up Emily. Turns out when you are bullied you exhibit qualities that may cause you a life long effect of bulling, and loss of self worth.

As adults do we just stand by and watch anyone regardless of age, sex, intelligence, or race bully another?

I would like to think I do. There have been multiple times where I have stopped some act of bullying, and spoken out no matter how awkward it was. Im just a bold person like that, and I don't like bullies. Yet in a group environment I laughed at a fellow student. Was I trying to make him feel dumb? No, not intentionally, but thats what it did. The video posted below really sheds light on bullying, and how to be the bigger/better person.

I felt strongly to share this, and offer hope to those who are on either side of this subject of bullying. Even when you pick yourself up, and "get over it" the effects are still there. The Savior, Jesus Christ is accepting of everyone, and he died for every one because they have worth. You have worth. The only person who want you to feel unaccepted, lost, less than others, and alone is Satan himself. Why would we want to help him out? Lets be the change that we want to see. I believe that as we try to become better each day, changes will occur, and a light will come from us that can overtake any darkness.

GO. DO. BECOME