The Burden of Secrets

After many conversations with loved ones and friends about miscarriages, I have been pondering, why we keep early pregnancy a secret. Does it really protect anyone?

When a woman becomes pregnant, a lot of people will tell her not to tell anyone right away. You want to wait until your 13th week of pregnancy when your chance of miscarriage is lower. They say if a miscarriage does happen you wont want to talk about it, and explain to everyone that your not pregnant anymore. My question is ... why? Why would you not want people to know? Why carry the burden alone? Do you think it may be healthy to talk about it? Who came up with this social norm? Does it really protect a woman and save her from a burden if she says nothing? OR does it create a bigger burden?

Why do we wait? You are most likely ecstatic, feeling that secrets are dumb, and you call it a "baby". In the debates of when life start, and when is a fetus a baby... why are we dehumanizing these miscarried babies. Why does a baby all the sudden become a mass of cells when its miscarried? Why are we devaluating a woman's feelings by saying," Its probably for the best", " It probably had something wrong so your body rejected it" ect.... Could these things be true? Yes. When people said these things to a woman/couple who has miscarried it can make her/them feel that the feelings of excitement, and love were just "silly".

Most of all I keep thinking....

When a woman has a miscarriage the feeling is unlike anything ever felt before. Your body betrayed you, God betrayed you, you did something wrong, its all on you, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Your baby is gone. You have nothing to show for it, and as a result you are in a lot of pain both physically and spiritually. The most common feeling among women who have had a miscarriage even when surrounded with love is total and complete loneliness.

Waiting doesn't protect you one way or another.

Sean and I didn't tell anyone for a long while about our miscarriage. We didn't want to. It would be embarrassing because no one else knew. I called my Mom, she knew first hand the feelings, and I just laid in bed feeling like a failure.

SO, is it better not to tell anyone, so you can suffer alone?

Sean and I didn't tell anyone about our pregnancy, because its what society told us to do. When we lost the baby I felt totally alone, and disgusting. Sean was an amazing support, but he hurt too. It wasn't until I wrote a blog that I saw the INCREDIBLE support all around me. Family and friends I had no idea experienced the same thing were all the sudden succoring me. They know that unique feeling. That feeling unites us all into a special sisterhood of love and understanding.

After the blog was posted I didn't think of the impact it would have. I had messages from so many people explaining they had a miscarriage and no one knew. Some were wives who had husbands that never knew. All of them, needed someone, who knew those feelings. Women who wished someone knew so they could hold them, and comfort them.

Overall, It's a personal decision on when to announce the pregnancy. What is right for some may not be right for others. I am just a believer, now, that pregnancy isn't something you need to keep a secret :)

The windows of heaven opened.

Wowie, a lot has happened, and I have fallen behind on my writing. This new semester for Sean and I has been an interesting ride thus far. I decided to only take 14 credits, so we could spend more time together, attend the temple regulatory, work out, and cook! Right at the beginning of the semester it seemed everything was going wrong. My car broke down, my laptop died, our freezer stopped working causing most of the food to spoil, and random expenses that started adding up. My practicum was in middle school resource. Lets just say its draining, tough, and makes me feel totally exhausted. I started to feel overwhelmed and stuck. We just blew through all of our pell grant money from the new semester, and we rely on that money to get us though the semester for groceries, rent, my books ect. It's "dead season" for photographers, because wedding season hasn't hit yet. We were making what we had work, but we were both afraid of another random expense.

During this time I was asked in one of my religion classes to develop an attribute of Christ. I chose meekness, because my husband is truly meek. Its his strength and my weakness. While reading and praying I felt the impression that I needed to humble myself and act on any and every prompting that comes my way regardless of the awkwardness or situation. Promptings came flooding in. From sharing my testimony with strangers, walking up to random girls on campus telling them I felt I should tell them that they would be a great missionary, inviting neighbors to move in, feeding basically everyone around me, and giving more of my time than what I felt I had. I realized God has so much work for me to do here in Rexburg. I didn't think much of my efforts, its just what every one should do- help those around you.

Moroni 7:43

43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart.

Although we were overwhelmed we came together and asked in prayer for the guidance to know what to do. I began looking for a part time job, but I didn't want to work more than 10 hours, and it seemed impossible to find. I didn't want Sean to have to pick up another job, or more hours than what he was already working. We continued to pray, pay our tithing, and have trust that it would all work out. Sean really is an amazing person. He comforts me, sustains me, and is very optimistic. One night I began praying for a way to get some extra income. Not more than 20 minuets had passed by when I got an email from a teacher asking me if I would be interested in being his TA! The best part is that it would only be around 10 hours a week, My heart overflowed with gratitude. This wasn't happenstance, or some sort of karma, this was a direct blessing from God. I knew it, and I felt it. My teacher was inspired and I am grateful he acted upon his promptings. I thanked God for this blessing, and continued with life. Then I started getting weddings booked like crazy! I would wake up to 3-4 emails about weddings every day! This was different, and absolutely wonderful! I was gathering deposits weekly, and being able to put money back into our savings. I then woke up to another email from the school saying they re-opened the academic scholarship for me, and that they were re-funding my tuition. None of this is by my doing. All of these blessings come from Him.

Malachi 3:10

I can testify that God is mindful of his children. He knows us. He knows our struggles. He is mindful of our situations. Through trials of learning we gain a stronger relationship with Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. A relationship of trust and love. Knowing God trusts me with promptings is an amazing feeling and blessing. I am weak, and my flaws are apparent. However, through Him I can find my strength, and the ability to keep moving.


“God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future–to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities. God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe.” Jeffrey R. Holland, Terror, Triumph, and a Wedding Feast, CES Fireside, September 2004

Keep moving, keep dreaming, and keep becoming. All he asks of us, is to come unto him.

Miscarriage & Finding Hope

Some of you know, and some of you don't (don't be upset if you didn't know, we were going to tell everyone, but its been really emotional. Its better to just get it out all at once.), but last week I had a miscarriage. It was an emotional experience that taught me so much. I have had so many friends, and family members have miscarriages at all different stages. Regardless of how many weeks, you always feel a sense of loss, and a feeling of being alone.

It's amazing how two pink lines can change your life. When I found out I was pregnant, I was beyond excited, and anxious to tell Sean. It wasn't too much of a surprise that I was pregnant. I was SUPER emotional about everything! A cute picture of a bunny, taco bell, or anything really would send me into tears. I couldn't really control it. Smells, especially cheddar, made me want to puke. I was late, but I kept getting negative tests back. Then, finally, I got a positive! I did the research, figured out what doctor I wanted to see, made plans to make an appointment, and looked up cute ways to tell our family & close friends. Then one night I felt different. I can't really explain what was "different", but I didn't feel the same. The next morning I woke up, and fear hit my soul. I had began having a miscarriage at 6 weeks.

Of course I knew a miscarriage could happen, especially in the early weeks of pregnancy. I was only 6 weeks along, but we were hopeful. When I realized what was happening my heart sank. The only other time I have ever felt that feeling, was on the mission, when someone I loved rejected the gospel. I remember telling Sean what was happening. I could see his heart sink too. Then very lovingly and tender he held me in his arms. I felt guilty, like my body betrayed me, and alone ( even though I knew I wasn't). I kept telling Sean I was sorry, but he just held me. We cried, we prayed, and he left for school.

Not only did I hurt emotionally, but physically too. Soon the pain was crazy. I texted some classmates that knew about my pregnancy what was happening, and to please take notes for me. I took some Tylenol, and tried to rest. I couldn't do it. Laying around just made me feel more miserable. So I got up, showered, dressed, and walked to school. I arrived late to my first class. After class a friend came to me and gave me the biggest hug. She just said," I just love you, just know that". The next class my class friend gave me a hug and told me that I had a bug in my hair ( thats a big step for her..haha) but was genuinely concerned about me, then I had a kid in another one of my classes tell me if I ever wanted to just talk about it that they would totally listen. Basically I had a lot of amazing people around me. People I had only known for 3 weeks. Sean called me and told me we had brownies at our door when he got home. It really touched our hearts. Eventually I called Sean to pick me up from class. My back was spazzing out, I felt awful, pain all around, and I couldn't pay attention in class.

Even Though I had all this goodness around me, I still felt.... alone. Satan keyed in on that. Soon I had thoughts that I was just "used goods" that I would never be able to actually have a baby, and that I was worthless. Luckily my husband is THE BEST HUMAN EVER. For real, Sean is an amazing person. He was totally my rock. He showed emotion, and talked about how losing the baby made him feel at loss too. This really helped, because he validated that it was real. That I was pregnant, and that we lost a baby we were really excited to bring into this world.

I would be lying if I said I didn't become super upset, that there are women who abort their babies, when all we did was pray to keep ours. I really tried to not let the bitterness into my heart, but it was really hard not to. Once I even felt pregnant, I remember feeling this innate responsibility for this thing growing inside of me. It came so natural, and so instinctual. How could someone get an abortion? I honestly have no idea. What I experienced in those 6 weeks was beautiful! It has made me even more excited, and I still am, for my friend who are expecting! They get to experience more than what I did, and I believe it gets better from there.

Tender mercies were around us as well. Like I said before I didn't find out I was pregnant when more girls do. By the time I found out I was basically 6 weeks along. I feel that if I would've known before, if I would've gone to the OB, seen a picture, heart a heartbeat... It would be really difficult. I believe God knows that. I know it's not the end of the world. I know that I probably can get pregnant again. I just felt that I was able to experience a little of what family and friends have gone though. I can't even imagine going through what I have seen others go through.  Friends and family who lost their babies in the second trimester,  third trimester, at birth, or even months after birth. Those who are not able to have children anymore, or who have never been able to get pregnant. There are a lot of burdens.

I often wondered why they didn't talk about their trials more. After my miscarriage I feel as though I know about a couple reasons. They can feel alone, damaged, angry and they hurt emotionally/physically. The best thing I did was tell people. It was hard to tell people. I have had girls in my other classes approach me wanting to talk about their miscarriages, because they never told anyone. Soon I was astounded at how many have had miscarriages in my classes, and never told anyone, because they felt alone. Its interesting that you feel alone, and many of the people around you feel alone as well. Many times we forget about the husbands as well. Sean felt a loss too. He cried, prayed, and tried to understand "why" just as I did. Regardless if they show it, husbands mourn too.

Guess what? It's OK to feel. It's OK to eat a carton of ice-cream. It's OK to cry, be angry, and upset. BUT there comes a time, when you have to let go. A time to heal, and a time to give that burden to God. That time doesn't have to be now, or tomorrow, but a goal to work towards. Every day progressing.

I am grateful for a lot of things. My savior who gave me peace, my amazing husband, my supportive mom, and all the people around me who made me feel like I wasn't alone. Im grateful that though this trial, I have been able to help other women who have felt alone.  I'm not going to say I don't struggle with it still, because I do. I have faith in God, and in His timing. Sometimes it's difficult not to get discouraged. The only thing we can do is move on, and try to lift the burdens of those around us. This scripture John 14:26-27 came to my heart and spoke peace. We are never alone, and we need not be afraid. He, Jesus Christ, has paid it all for us. He suffered so that we can heal, and become whole.

Today I was bullied. Random observation on college students.......

So, I am in this class, where we got to teach in groups, lessons we were assigned. The first time people were teaching, I was just messing around being like a little kid I work with for my teacher education. Over the weekend I was going though all syllabuses ( to petition a class), and I found one from one of my favorite classes. Education phycology. I took this same class basically twice ( because ISU wouldn't accept my USU class), and both times I loved it. One of the aspects I loved of it was how to handle the different characters in a classroom.  Overall we were suppose to learn why students do the things they do. You will always have a variety of characters in a classroom. In this class we also did observations in a classroom where we picked one student, and watched them in the classroom/how they interacted with peers.

ANYWAYS, in this class where we are teaching, I decided to become that kid. Lets call her Emily. She was pretty much like the student I was already trying to be like. Emily was really a nice girl. She was a little too competitive, she wasn't really quiet, and she was smart! However, while watching Emily I saw how she was constantly being left out, being told on, and in one word: bullied. She would try not to show it, but after some time I could see it. She would get quiet, and not participate. OR she would get louder, fight back, and try to act like it did't hurt.

Now, keep in mind that everyone I am with are adults. We are all going into education. While I did these things, guess what happened? Exactly what happened to Emily. I was kinda really surprised. There were "students" who sought to pick me out, tease me, some just laughed, and some didn't care one way or another. While one girl was saying something mean, I said, " oh ya, well your retarded!"

Should that word ever be said in a classroom? No! Should it ever be used to mock or make fun of? Absolutely not. I just remember Emily saying it when she got overwhelmed. After I said it, I even felt bad. It really isn't a work that should be used out of context. When Emily said it, the other girl turned her into the teacher, while the rest of the group backed her up to make sure Emily got in big trouble. Should Emily get in trouble? Yes, it was uncalled for. However she was backed into a corner, and she needed an escape. Her escape just wasn't an appropriate one. During this time my professor was coming around. I told him I was being bullied, and to a response, the rest of the group was telling him how obnoxious, stupid, and loud I was being. They wanted to get me in trouble. I didn't have anyone to back me up, I didn't have any friends, and I didn't fit in. A girl began saying it was a good thing this one professor didn't hear me say that word. I had a couple thoughts. 1. So are you going to tattle on me? 2. If you feel the same way, why did't you say something? I don't allow that word, and I have said," oh please don't use that word..." numerous times! So, I was a little surprised that in a group that I am guessing is mostly SPED majors, no one said anything.

Im sure the girls are nice. I really don't know any of them well. It was still surprising though. Apparently its okay to be rude if you are acting like a child? I mean, no one is perfect. It was just eye opening for sure.

All the sudden, I felt bad. I was pretending to be someone else, but yet, it hurt me. We sat down in a circle and they didn't let me in. Then a girl on the other side invited me to sit by her. I believe she was probably that kind of child too, keeping the peace. I sat down and began thinking about poor Emily. She probably felt this, if not more, every day! How awful that must be to experience daily. She acted the way she did as a response to others actions. One on one, Emily was a hoot! I think she desperately wanted friends, but just didn't "fit in".

So, what is this about? I saw how when adults revert back into children, bullying become okay. Then I realized, they don't have to revert. Bullying is in all ages. I thought of the kid in my math class who no one likes because he is loud, and pretty obnoxious. Was he Emily too? Was I being one of the other students who were slowly backing him into a corner? I saw him in the library after all my classes, and with this on my mind I went up to him. I first apologized for laughing at the question he had that morning. It wasn't right. Even if the teacher just explained it, he didn't understand the question, and that was ok. He looked at me like some kind of freak. Then I sat down and told him what I had just experienced. His eyes started to water up. He told me that was pretty accurate. He remembers feeling that way in second grade, and that feeling never left. He said he knows he is a little too much, but he is still trying to figure out how to be "accepted".

Well.... I am a horrible person. Without realizing it, I was being a bully. So what if everyone else laughed at him. It wasn't right, he was just asking a question. 

I remember having some bullies at school growing up. I think I had so many friends that I did't really care/ I had people to back me up. I was bullied at church. I knew then, and now its just because they were jealous, and angry in their own lives. Some years they teamed up against me, but I just hung out with the younger girls anyways! Plus, I promised myself that I wouldn't let someone else go though what I did. So, I tried to take care of them. I had one bad bully in HS. She was a senior, and she just had it out for me. I remember we were in drama when a girl said," that poor girl from the other HS really needed a bra! Watching her jump was making me hurt!" This bully senior girl didn't hear and said,"what?" So I repeated what was said. I even remember saying<" _____ said it, not me. You asked what she said!"..... Well from that moment on, to the end of the year I was a perverted, freak, nasty, gross person. I would hear her talking about me, and she would say it to my face. If I tried to explain that it wasn't even what I said, my words were turned around. I found myself feeling like I was those things. I didn't want to go to that class, and I avoided her at all cost. I cried. I just didn't understand why I was being made out to be a person I wasn't. I think it was over a boy, who I didn't like, but she did. He was good friends with me. I think it was about him because she told me,"stay away from him you are just nasty". I still remember those words, so it must still be alive in me, and I re-visited those emotions today while pretending to be Emily. I forgot how that felt. Deep inside me I realized that I never wanted to be the reason anyone felt that, and I needed to become better.

Basically, we all have times where we may be a bully, and not even notice it. There are reasons people act the way they do. The effects of bullying are life long. I hope we can try to be a little better each day. Become a friend to someone who may feel left out. When that girl let me into the circle, it felt good. Will we let people into our circles?

This list petty much sums up Emily. Turns out when you are bullied you exhibit qualities that may cause you a life long effect of bulling, and loss of self worth.

As adults do we just stand by and watch anyone regardless of age, sex, intelligence, or race bully another?

I would like to think I do. There have been multiple times where I have stopped some act of bullying, and spoken out no matter how awkward it was. Im just a bold person like that, and I don't like bullies. Yet in a group environment I laughed at a fellow student. Was I trying to make him feel dumb? No, not intentionally, but thats what it did. The video posted below really sheds light on bullying, and how to be the bigger/better person.

I felt strongly to share this, and offer hope to those who are on either side of this subject of bullying. Even when you pick yourself up, and "get over it" the effects are still there. The Savior, Jesus Christ is accepting of everyone, and he died for every one because they have worth. You have worth. The only person who want you to feel unaccepted, lost, less than others, and alone is Satan himself. Why would we want to help him out? Lets be the change that we want to see. I believe that as we try to become better each day, changes will occur, and a light will come from us that can overtake any darkness.

GO. DO. BECOME

First Week Of School & Other Things

Well, Sean and I officially completed our first week of school at BYU-I. Sean loves his classes, and is excited. I had a rough start, because after the second day, my adviser changed 3 of my classes. So the 3 classes I prepared for and bought no returnable books for was totally pointless. Nevertheless, I will be excited to graduate sooner. BYU-I is a VERY different school.

First of all, everyone is extremely chipper. I sit down at a table in class, and everyone instantly wants to know my name. That's cool, I like friends! By the end of the week I couldn't go down the hall without anyone using my name and saying hello. Its a friendly atmosphere.

Prayers and songs before class. Coming from an fairly liberal college this is a big difference. Every class starts off with at least a prayer. Other teachers decided to have a hymn, a thought, and scripture too. Everything we learn about in classes is brought back to how it applies spiritually. Its pretty neat! For example I am in a class that is teaching us how to teach math to children who don't know how.  We are reminded of the importance of becoming like a child, how we are on earth to learn and grow. I feel spiritually fed every day. My religion class is hard core, and the teacher scares me, but you know... its okay I guess. Haha.

Wednesday a wonderful couple from TN stopped by on their road trip! Frank and Dolly Davis are some of my favorite people! I was so happy to see them, and also to be around Valerie ( my trainer from the mission). She is basically the best person I know. Blythe, another friend showed up at the same place too! It was like a gathering of people that are awesome!

Also, teachers require so much more of their students here. I know that its for our benefit, but it is really overwhelming. I am taking 17 of my upper level credits this semester, and my plate is full. However the Lord has blessed us greatly, and I know that I won't be alone.

Sean works after school, so we don't really see each other. I am grateful for the moments I do have with him! He is really good at surprising me by waiting outside my classes door, and walking me to my next class. He is just kinda really great! I hope to get a handle on my schedule and feel less anxious as time goes on. Our apartment exploded, and we really need to unpack! SO I should probably publish this, and get back to work!

Our New Forever...AND the bucket list!

Well, this is do when your married, right? You start a blog so people can know what is going on in your life?! We hope this can help our family members, that are not on social media, know whats going on in our lives!

August has been a CRAZY month for us! I was busty shooting weddings, my brother got married, we moved to Rexburg, Sean started a new job, Grandad ( Seans 98 year old great- grandpa) passed away,  Sean shaved his beard, and I had to get prints off and ready for the fair! With all the driving, and late night pillow talks we made a bucket list!

THE BUCKET LIST

• Clamming in Oregon
• Eat lobster in Maine- catching it would be a plus!
• Go whale watching
• Swim with dolphins 
• Ride a camel 
• Eat French macaroons in France
• Go to Stonehenge
• Buy a home
• Have a home with a big southern porch 
• Have a children
• Italy with Andrew & Cassie
• San Francisco
• Lightning bug dance in the Smokeys 
• Get a king size bed
• Run a marathon together
• Catch/eat wild salmon in Alaska with Courtney
• Serve a full time mission together
• Work/volunteer abroad
• New Zealand
• Chinatown
• Go on a cruise
• Visit church history sites 
• Photograph the northern lights
• Genealogy adventure 
• Ride a train
• Pet/feed a giraffe
•  Sean- Ride a horse 
• Interact with an orangutang
• Hike Machu pichu
• Own an aussiedoodle
• Learn to crochet  
• Learn to sew
• Learn to can
• Grow a garden ( and can what you grow!)
• Shoot a destination wedding
• Wake up early and watch the sunrise
• Get a private aviators license 
• Irish dinner in Ireland 
• Empire state building 
• Hold hands at the statue of liberty 
• Sean-Get a passport 
• Go back to visit the mission
• Kiss at monachello 
• Go to mammoth cave
• eat Bojangles 
• Take pictures on a NC beach 
• Go to the north pole
• Teach kids to hunt and fish
• Go scuba diving 
• Visit Germany, Holland,Denmark
• Hike in the Netherlands 
• Learn Dutch 
• Own a cotton candy machine 
• Plant a tree
• Go to the festival of colors
• Sing rocky top on rocky top
• Sean- learn the guitar
• Have puppies- Breed a dog
• Comicon 
• Sundance film festival
• Get a selfie stick
• Take a yoga class together 
• Build a treehouse
• Castles in Romania 
• Les Miserables on broadway
• Go to an art class
• Make pottery
• Write a poem for each other
• Make stain glass
• Take a trip to every temple
• Look into each others eyes and say," I love you" while in a hot air ballon
•  See the president of the USA while President 
• Take an unplanned- roll the dice roadtrip
• Send a message in a bottle
• Become CPR certified 
• Write a letter to someone famous 
• Bury a capsule 
• Dig up capsule in 15 years
• Be s studio audience member
• Go sailing
• Go to a lighthouse
• Pick someone in our genealogy ( at random) and learn everything you can  
• Finish a corn maze
• Take a cooking class
• Redwood forest 
• Never give up
• Die together- We wouldn't want to be apart! Plus, maybe our children can get a two for one deal! 

- The Crowells