S&L: Things we have learned in 2 years of marriage!

It’s crazy to me that we have been married for over 2 years. We celebrated our two year anniversary on May 16^th. Even though it’s only been two years, I can’t even image, my life without Sean. He is seriously part of my being. My soul. My world. Let me tell you a little bit about what I have learned about Sean,

1.     Sean doesn’t yell. When in conflict he speaks softly.

2.     He has true faith. He lives 110% of his life with faith and trust in God.

3.     His eyes are green- not hazel. He will try to tell you they are hazel.

4.     His giggle is really high pitched, and sounds like a giddy school girl. It’s the best!

5.     He likes to go on drives. He loves to just drive, and take adventures as they come.

6.     He is not city smart-yet. He was counting all the money in his wallet at the NYC subway….HA!

7.     He genuinely cares for everyone- even people he doesn’t know.

8.     He would give you the shirt off his back.

9.     He trusts everyone. As a result, some people are take advantage of him, but he still gives them the benefit of the doubt.

10.   He is a hard worker.

11.   He gives the best back scratches!

12.   He will eat basically anything and everything.

13.   He loves soda pop.

14.  When I’m weak he lifts me up.

15.  I love when he comes home and gives me the biggest hug.

16.  He calls every time he gets out of class to tell me he is coming home. He calls because he wants to talk to me. I love that he wants to talk to me.

17.  He can fall dead asleep in .0098 seconds flat. It’s annoying.

18.  He wakes up and hour before the alarm (naturally) and cuddles me so I wake up in his arms.

19.  He is adorable with kids. They love him. He is such a fun uncle. He will be an amazing Dad.

20.  He is the greatest blessing. 

We are two peas in a pod. When times get tough, I look at Sean, and I can see how blessed I am.

Lizzy is funny, sweet, beautiful, and she makes my world a better place. I learned that she….

1.     She doesn’t like to be cuddled when she is hot- especially at night.

2.     She lied to me for a year telling me she wasn’t ticklish. LIAR!

3.     She is very caring for those around her.

4.     She is bold but loving. She inspires those around her.

5.     She is an EXREAMLY hard worker.

6.     She is close to the spirit, and acts on any prompting the holy spirt gives her.

7.     She is very good with children. It makes me excited to have children with her!

8.     She doesn’t appreciate my punny humor as I had hoped.

9.     She doesn’t like movies, but she likes TV shows. It’s a compromise I’m willing to take!

10.  I can calm her down just by scratching her back.

11.  Her cuddles mean more to me than anything else. I would be lost without her by my side,

12.  She cooks some freaking amazing dishes. Sometime she just creates dishes. It’s amazing!

13.  She is way fun to travel with. She does her research on places to eat and see.

14.  Waking up to her beautiful face every morning is my favorite. I am so blessed.

15.  No one can make me smile, or make me feel loved like she can.

16.  She is one heck of a dancer. She can get down on a dance floor… in her own style haha.

17.  Even in the lowest of times, I know that she will always be my anchor and support.

18.  She doesn’t like to drive. She likes to daydream in the car. I love her imagination.

19.  There is NEVER a dull moment around her.

20.  My favorite part of my day is when I come home, I open the door, and I see you smiling at me.

S&L: Why I love my husband the way I do....

Throughout the last 2 years since we have been together, and  with our trials, I get a lot of comments or questions about my marriage and relationship with Sean. Either they are," I had no idea you guys had any struggles", to, "I knew something was wrong you post about Sean way to much." Ha. What? My favorite was someone saying," people who post about their spouse all the time just screams that they are in an unhealthy relationship." Yes, thank you. You haven't ever had a healthy relationship in your life. I should totally listen to you..... not. Ha. Then I get others seeking help, because they love being around us, and want their marriage to be like that. The truth is, it probably wont happen, because your not us. Truth is everyone has trials, struggles, and everyone sees love differently.

Since when is posting appreciation for your spouse a bad thing? I do it online and in real life. "I love you" is something we say to each other multiple time. I never want Sean to wonder what I feel for him. I am fully aware what works for us in our relationship would not work in another. Maybe that's why it's so hard for people to wrap their head around why we do what we do. Maybe the way we can express love for each other, can make others that don't express love the way we do, feel inadequate. In response to this I would like to say that you have control over what you bring to your marriage. I don't want people to feel like they can't be happy in their marriage. I don't want people to think that the first year is the hardest. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. Spend more time with each other. Outlaw phones in the bedroom. Go out of your way to do something that makes THEM feel loved. You can make your marriage the best it can be. It takes two, both of you, it takes two.


Let me take you back and explain a couple things.

Sean and I both served a mission in the Tennessee Knoxville Mission for our church. It's where we met (I still can't believe I married Elder Crowell. He was so weird!), and its where we both individually learned a lot about ourselves. On the mission I learned about the 5 languages. We both learned our love languages, and knowing those things helped us with the people we served with. A LOT. What are love languages? (Click here to take the test to find our your languages of love). Simply you find out what ways you give love, and ways you receive love. People give and receive love though physical touch, quality time, service, words of affirmation, or gifts (the thoughts behind the gift, meaningful, ect...). People have 2 main languages they speak. Knowing these can help you know how your spouse gives and receives love. What are ours?

Sean
1. Quality Time
2. Physical Touch
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Gifts
5. Service

Lizzy
1. Physical Touch
2. Quality Time
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Gifts
5. Service

Obviously we are off to a good start! I remember someone laughed that we both had service listed last on our list. Honestly, its because it's expected-ha! We serve each other through the other love languages, and well... if Sean didn't do the dishes we couldn't spend time together. I know that waking up early in the morning to have a monumental breakfast on the table for Sean when he wakes up wouldn't make him feel loved. Im sure he would appreciate it, but it's not what he wants/needs. However, waking up to make breakfast so I can sit and talk to him in the morning IS special to him. That is something he needs/wants.
So why do I post on social media how great Sean is and everything I love about him?

Well, because I do. I genuinely adore him. Sure, he can really make me upset. He does dumb things. Most of our arguments have to do with the fact that Sean is younger than me and has to learn life lessons I expect him to already know. We fight. We yell. I have stormed out of the house to get air. He has stormed out of the house to get air. We were raised totally different and came into a marriage with different views on finances, work, schooling, and roles in the home. But... we worked through it. We continue to work through it, and I adore everything about Sean Wayne Crowell. I really do.

I love how when I get upset, he gets quiet, so he can listen.
I love how we fall asleep holding hands.
I love how he wakes me up to kiss me good-bye.
I love how when I'm irrational and stressed he calms me down.
I love how he strives to become his potential.
I love how he wants me to reach my goals, and is my #1 fan in my business.
I love how he blends in with my family.
I love the uncle he is, and that the kiddos love him too.
I love how he is always scratching my back ( even if he does it to get me to shut up)
I love how in the mornings he holds me, arranges the blankets on me, and kisses me before he leaves. I love how he always tries to sneak pizza into a meal option.
I love how he says thank you.
I love how he treats everyone with kindness and understanding.
I love how he is everything I lack.
I love how he puts God first.
I love how positive he is.
I love how he smiles before he kisses me.
I love how he texts me though out the day.
I love how he respects me.
I love a lot of things, and I don't think you want to read every single one. However what I have found is I just really love Sean. I like him. I adore him. He is part of who I am. I want him to feel that love.

We are busy college students trying to keep a business afloat, trying to save money to start a family, dealing with the emotional burden of infertility, and honestly we don't see each other as much as we would like. As a result we work hard so when we are home we can spend that time together. We serve each other so we can spend less time cleaning and more time cuddling and talking. I post about Sean because when I cant fulfill physical touch and quality time, I can give him words of affirmation that he is appreciated, and he is loved. I want to be around him- always. For us that works, for us that's healthy. I'm going to post about it. Its more important to me that stupid memes.

Yea, I'm clingy. He is clingy. The thing is, that works for us. I used to hate people when they always talked in "we" instead of "I". However, what I realized within my marriage to Sean is that I have total freedom for me to be Lizzy, yet I never want to use "I" statements. I like "we" statements. I like being with Sean....ha!

Im sure there are people who try to create a life on social media that they don't have at home. They are usually the same people buying all the expensive things to make it look like they have money. They are building upon a false foundation trying to feel complete happiness. Sometimes there is one partner that is giving everything to make a marriage work, but the other won't put forth the effort ( this one always hurts my heart). Our marriage is nowhere near perfect. But, we try. We try every day. We love each other. We express it. It keeps us going when life bogs us down. I NEED Sean. Life would be so dull and harsh without him. I remember when there was that challenge on FB where you posted about how much you loved your spouse for ten days or something like that. Of course people had to start posting blogs about why the challenge was dumb. Critics are everywhere. Why are people more concerned about what others think than what is happening in their own relationship. When there is a good side, there is also an ugly side. I am not a believer that its appropriate to show the ugly side. If we look for the bad in people that all we see, if we focus on the good we will be happier!

We have posted blogs and status in the past about the hardships of infertility. Infertility can make a couple feel so isolated, I wanted others to know they were not alone. Did I get comments about how that was wrong too? Yes. Ha. Who cares!

Learn what your languages are, and the others too! When you know how to speak someones love language they will feel loved!

Infertility: When you feel forsaken by God

I would like to think Sean and I are an uplifting and optimistic voice for people struggling with infertility. I got a comment recently from someone who follows our story that our infertility doesn't even bother us or our relationship. Errr... what? Of course it does!

Every month I cry. Every month I have to tell Sean. Every month of failure. Holding my husband as he cries. Him holding me when I try to cry silently at night. Him bring me hot coco because I hurt so much. It seems at times like God has forgotten us. Its hard when it seems he answers everyone else prayers first. What did we do wrong?

It was near finals when I broke. Sean was asleep and I started crying uncontrollably. I felt his loving arms wrap around me and he whispered,"Im sorry." He didn't even have to ask what I was upset about because it is always on our mind. It made me feel awful. I never want Sean to feel this is his problem, it's our problem, because we are a team. I am aware that his burden will always feel much different from mine because of his infertility factor. I just wish I could take that from him. I was in a dark place. I was angry. I was so angry at God. Why? Because 2016 was an awful year. We had our infertility issues, gained 40 lbs, and I was trying to constantly stay out of a dark place. I was working 3 jobs, and lost my scholarship by .01 of a point. I watched my sister lose a baby, only to be followed by sweet felicity who for an unknown reason gained a body in this life and left us. If you know me, you know I love being an aunt. I felt completely robbed. I was unbelievably excited not only for my faithful and enduring sister, but that I would have a new baby to snuggle and spoil. Why would God do such a nasty thing? I wasn't okay. Watching my sister lose her sweet baby, watching my mother watching her daughter... I couldn't sleep. There was too much anger in my heart. I would wake up from having flash backs and I was in a funk. Good thing Sean is loving and understanding. He was so sweet to me while I worked though things. At the same time I was teaching in a school that had abused kids, kids that had no food, and kids who didn't even own underwear. It was hard. I just wanted ( and still do) to take those kiddos home and love them. I found I kept getting a little darker, and a little more angry every day.

Why is it that even though we have done everything "right" and they haven't.... they can have a baby and we can't. Sean and I lived chaste lives before getting married, we try to live good christian lives, and we strive to become more like the savior each and every day. We have a stable relationship, we absolutely adore each other, and every time we go to Hobby Lobby Sean comes up with new ideas on how we could decorate a nursery. Meanwhile there are women who find themselves going to get abortions, women who keep having babies with abusive men, and women who have babies for government assistance.

I know that judging others situations wont bring me any kind of happiness. It's just incredibly hard when you see couples who are entirely unprepared ( not that anyone is truly prepared) for children. I know MANY individuals and couples who had had children in unstable situations, drug addicted ect... and that baby changed them for the better. That by having a baby, they have become, something greater than they even thought possible. I would never, ever, ever want to take that experience away from anyone. However, it still hurts, and I think thats a typical feeling for those who struggle with infertility. I haven't been judgy and I honestly don't feel like I am anywhere close to the level of judgy I see many women at when they have fertility issues. It's just hard right now, to see everyone having babies they didn't plan for. Its hard because Sean and I have tried so hard and paid a lot of money to have a baby and well... It's not going to happen for a while.

Look, I KNOW it will all work out. I KNOW we will have a family some day. I KNOW God is aware, and I am content with that. Dark thoughts come and go, but I hold tight to what I know. It's just dumb that OUR way will cost thousands of dollars. That OUR way isn't what we anticipated. That OUR way has a lot more stress on our relationship. Its hard when OUR way is way more complicated. I get angry, and I think thats okay. It's part of healing, its part of giving my burden to Christ. Its hard, and thats just our new normal.

With all of that said and done, we have come to a decision to stop trying. It was just consuming us and all of our actions. Sean will still take supplements, get tested every so often, and we wont be doing anything to prevent pregnancy. However we are going to stop charting, taking temperatures, planning, scheduling, testing, and whatnot. Hopefully by 2018 we will be in a place where we can explore the world of IUI and IVF, but until then we need to focus on us, each other, our relationship, and our personal relationship with God. It feels liberating. I remember that after we decided to take a break I slept so well. Turns out that weight our shoulders was doing a lot to our emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Its time to be us, and our adventures. God is in control, and we know he has a plan. We have an exciting summer coming our way with lots of weddings, travel, and Sean and I should both graduate by next spring. We don't have to let infertility limit us, and we are not going to let it limit us anymore.

Infertility: What you should NOT say to couples like us....

Being in the world of infertility has definitely opened my eyes to how....
1. Ignorant people are about the whole reproductive system in general
2. People assume you're just not doing it "right"
3. Everyone has sex tips for you
4. Everyone still talks to you like its female infertility even after you tell them its male infertility

5. People, with good intentions, say the dumbest things.

Honestly, I am 100% FINE talking about it, answering questions, ect. I cannot stand some comments though. I understand people may just not know what to say, so hopefully this will help you.

SO, to all you good hearted people, I will give you a list of what not to say! Followed with what goes though my head as its being said...minus the swear words haha. You have to read it with a sarcastic tone 😏. It's funny what people say to you. You can either laugh or cry, and I choose to laugh!
( these are real comments!)

1. "I KNOW God will give you a baby"
- Are you someone who can receive revelation for me? You don't speak for God, so don't. Don't promise something that you can't promise.

2. "Maybe pray more. I have a cousin that......"
- Are you for real? Shut up!

3. "It will happen one day"
- Oh really? Crazy!

4."Never say never!"
- I never said never in the first place.....

5. "Maybe God has a different plan"
- I hope that plan doesn't involve you still talking

6."Really thats weird! I got pregnant right away!"
- %^*#&^@%$&*#(&*$

7."You sure its not you?"
-Uhhh... yep! Yep! We spent thousands figuring it out!

8."Have you tried......(all the things you find on google)..."
-Yes. Please stop trying to "fix" it. ( Now, I DO find it helpful when people say," ___ helped my brother ect.."

9. "Have you thought about adoption?"
-Every.Day.

10."Maybe your not trying hard enough."
- I'll cut you

11."Are you sure your doing it right?"
-Oh my goodness, I don't know!!!! Maybe you can show me?

12. "When will you stop trying? You are 25 right? You are getting older."
- ........&*^#^%)(*$&@*.

13. "It will happen when you quit trying"
-Yea it would be nice if it did. Unfortunately I kinda really have to track everything.

14."Maybe being a parent isn't something God wants for you in this life?"
-Maybe God just created you to be a total moron. Shut up, Satan.

15. Someone pregnant or with kids,"Promise me, you don't want this!"
-PRETTY FREAKING SURE WE DO! Thanks though!

16."Do you think you will stay married?"
-WHO THE FEAK ARE YOU?! YA LINT LICKER!

17."In a way you are lucky. My husband can just look at me and I get pregnant!"
- Well he is also a complete ass, so ya.... theres that.

18."At least you are having fun trying!"
- Fun isn't the word I would use to describe what it feels like to try every month for over 18 months....

19."I totally know what you are going through. It took us 6 months to get pregnant."
-Apples and oranges ( the exact same way I think about people who have tried for 5+ years! I don't know what they are going though. Apples and oranges people!)

20."Think of all the money you will save!"
- REALLY? You know it will cost THOUSANDSSSSSSS to have a fertilized egg, right?

21."You just need to relax"
-You just need to shut up, and go away.

22. " Infertility is just natures way of saying your not suppose to be together"
-If it wasn't for modern medicine, darwinism would be at its finest moment, and you would be dead... because you are a moron.

23."You wouldn't understand.. its a pregnancy thing"
- Thanks? HahahahahAHHAHhaha

24."Just do IVF"
-Well when you give me 15 thousand dollars I'll just go make an appointment, thanks!

25."IVF is imoral"
Last time I checked, your not God... Thanks for your opinion.

26. "It's probably from when Sean was really sick and had a high fever."
- you can put that in google anytime and see thats incorrect.

27."God has a plan. Trust him."
I never doubted it. However, "God has a plan. Crap happens"... is true too.

28."Why are you even trying to have kids right now anyways?"
-How is that ANY of your business?

29." You pregnant yet?"
-Nope! Excuse me as I go cry in a corner.

30."It's just weird. No one else in our family has problems."
- Well thats comforting... not.

31."Are you sure you cycle?"
- Yea! I pee on the stick, and get blood tests. OH and I have a period.. so yea, Im sure

32. "I heard those medicines give you cancer!"
-Your voice gives me a headache

33."Well it must be nice knowing your not the problem."
-Nope... not really. Also, don't call my husband a problem. You are a problem.

34."Just use a donor!"
-Yea, you would think its just that simple...wouldn't you? Golly.....

35. "You can have mine"
- If I had a dollar for every time I heard that!

36. "Maybe you are just suppose to be a parental figure to the youth you work with"
- I do believe that. BUT I will have a family. One way or another. Why are you trying to take that away from me?

37. "Maybe you just need to spice up your love life?"
-Maybe you just need to go away :)

38."I know exactly how you feel..."
- Only person who knows exactly how I feel is Jesus, not you.

39."If you think fertility testing and treatment is expensive you should try having a baby!"
-😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

40."Its just the Doctors opinion...."
- Or results from multiple tests, but who am I to say that!?

WHAT CAN/SHOULD YOU SAY?

1. Im sorry
2. I love you
3. Im praying for you
4. I am willing to listen if you ever need to talk
5. -Nothing-

Its pretty simple, haha. I don't think it's that we are overly sensitive (we are sensitive), but it's that we have heard the same things many times. It all get old- really fast!

There is only one person who can fix us, and it's not you, so please don't try.

I truly appreciate everyone who gives us support and love. Even when people say stupid stuff I know they care.  I love that my friends involve me in their pregnancies and keep me up on their pursuit of motherhood. We all have a different road, but we can always find happiness in the moment!

Infertility: Where Do We Start?

"Where do we start?"

I get at least 2 messages a week asking me this questions. Endeavoring in the journey of getting answers can be overwhelming. I will share what we did. This is in no way the "correct" or "right" way, but it worked for us, and we got answers fast! Everything is purely a suggestion.

First off if you are under the age of 35 doctors ask you try consecutive for a year before coming in. If you are over 35 they ask you to try for 6 consecutive months. If you have health conditions you are already aware of like PCOS, undescended testicle, endometriosis ect... Its something you can go in earlier for, or at least bring it up at your next appointment with your gynecologist.

Just know you are NOT alone! There are SO many people around you who are struggling too! Build up a supportive tribe!!!!

THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO!
1. Download an app to help you track everything. I like the app, Ovia best!
2. Study up on your anatomy. I talk to a lot of girls who don't know what their cervix is. Study male and female reproductive systems! Youtube has some great educational videos.
3. Buy ovulation tests! Click on HERE to see the ones I order. They are MUCH more at Walmart.
4. Make sure you track everything on your app! You want at least a couple months tracked before you go in. I had 8 months, and my doctor was able to move faster because of it.

Its been a year, so what do we do?

Well I did my research! I had a friend that used Dr. Jason Gunderson in Idaho Falls and really liked working with him. I looked more into him and he had good reviews for dealing with infertility. One review said that he wont waste your time trying to fix something he cant, keep you waiting, and  he will send you to a specialist without hesitation. PERFECT! I hear so many stories of people who spend years at the gynecologists trying to figure something out. Once they went to a specialist everything moved really fast!

Our initial meeting went very well! He sat down and talked to us about the most common factors, got health history, and ordered a semen analysis for Sean and an ultrasound of my uterus, and 21 day progesterone test for me. He told us the faster we got our test done, the faster we would get answers. SO, we got both done that week! I had the results back within 4 days! My test was great, and Sean's test... not so much! However they wanted us to know how common it was, and that they wanted us to see a specialist. So we were referred us to the reproductive care in UT. The next week we to Sandy, UT and met with Dr. Blauer ( he comes to IF every month... I think-ha). What a kind man he is! He ordered more tests for both of us. Luckily my insurance covers infertility testing! RCC ( reproductive care center) is great and SO helpful! They give you a cost sheet at the beginning to show the cost of each test if you are paying out of pocket vs. insurance. They also have payment plans for IVF and income based financial assistance. We got a lot of blood test, ultrasounds, ect... there are other blogs that talk about that!

After testing you hopefully get answers. I felt very informed by Dr. Blauer, and he took his time with us. He has so many people and connections to set you up with immediately if you need it. He offered cheaper solutions for us. He understands us, because he took the time to get to know us. He suggested we go back to Dr. Gunderson for IUI ( instead of making trips to UT) and if we want to do IVF he will be in IF in December. So, that is where we are now!

I hope this was somewhat helpful! Just don't get stuck in an obgyn's office. Be proactive and get answers!

Baby dust to you all!

When Good News Is Bad

Well we spent a whole week getting tested. Blood tests, ultrasounds, HSG, and more blood tests.

We waited forever for our results. Somehow express lab is good at making everything take longer. However we finally got all the test back.

THE RESULTS WERE:

Lizzy: You have a healthy uterus, better than average egg supply, HSG test showed that nothing is blocked, no cysts on ovaries... Blood tests came back great! Thyroid and hormone levels are in the average range. You are an excellent candidate for IVF.

Sean: Your blood tests came back great! Everything is in the average range. Your scrotal ultrasound came back normal. No problems there. 

This is great news! Right?

I don't feel so great! Sometimes its easier when you know the problem so you can try to fix it. So we were hoping that Sean's next SA was better. We waited a week to set up an appointment with the doctor and the results are....

Not much has changed. 

It felt like someone punched me in the gut. My heart broke. As I looked at my dear sweetheart I could see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes. Because there is nothing we can "fix". No surgeries, injections...zip. Doctor said its just his body. We can keep trying to help it with supplements and lifestyle changes, but thats just about it. Therefore, here are the percentages we were given.
Natural conception: 3-4%
IUI: 5-6%
IVF: 50-60%

Obviously there is a big gap between IUI and IVF in success predictions and in cost. IUI is around $300-400 while one round of IVF is around 11-15k ( depending on several factors). 

Oddly this quote from one of my favorite books came to mind. Its something I used to have printed and up in my locker. 

This is reality. We are "that couple". Our lives are not going to be what we thought, and thats okay. So we have to get creative in bringing children into this world. That isn't going to change the fact that Sean is my most favorite person in the world. That doesn't change the fact that I know God has a plan. In the same way it doesn't make the hurt go away. It doesn't mean I feel a little betrayed at times. I sometimes get angry when I work with some of my beautiful students who, because of their birth mother and drugs, have physical and mental disabilities. Why can they have babies? 

The one thing that doesn't change is the fact I would rather be married to Sean and have no children, than be married to someone else and have a large family. He is part of my soul. I cannot image my life without him. Today, after the phone call, I held my sweetheart as he cried in my arms. I didn't know I could feel so much hurt for someone else. I feel it, physically. I hurt for him. 

Who knew this would be so tough. Life. 

I do know what I do have. I have support. I have a testimony of my Savior, his atoning sacrifice, and his unwavering love. I have my Sean. 

I really am lucky. I need to be thankful for what I do have instead of focusing on what I don't. Because, when I look around I am blessed beyond measure. 

Infertility: Our 3-4% Journey

3-4% were the words that made me feel like my heart had been ripped out of my body. A 3-4% chance of becoming pregnant naturally. I immediately looked at Sean looking for some hope and comfort. However, it seemed as though he was looking for me to give him that same hope and comfort. So, there we sat in silence. Lost. The doctor must have noticed and said, “At least its not zero percent” with a hopeful tone. I kept saying that to myself, “it's not zero”, to keep my hopes up. The truth is, it doesn’t help. Not one bit.

I realize there are people who have experienced miracles. People with the 0%, the one and million chances bringing a child into this world. That honestly doesn’t make me feel any better-ha! So please don’t give me those answers. That’s good for them, but that doesn’t mean it will happen for us. I know so many amazing couples that have done everything right, tried everything, and still have no baby. Why didn’t they get the miracle everyone told them about? Was the couple loved less by God? Unworthy of his blessings? No, not at all. I have faith that God can bless us with a miracle, but I also have faith that he doesn’t have to. I’m not the one who calls the shots, and I’m not the one with the time table. In order to have faith, I have to have faith in both options, and answers.

Most everyone assumes infertility is due to something wrong with the woman. Because everyone just assumes I need to be on clomid, or get my cycle straight. Surprisingly my tests came back great. My cycle is great, I ovulate, my uterus is in one piece and is healthy. However, Sean’s tests didn’t come back great. I felt I had already mourned the fact that I was messed up, and the problem with our fertility issues from the start. When we got the results back my heart sank. I didn’t want Sean to go through what I did. Also, there is little to no support for male infertility. It hurts Sean, and its something we didn’t, and no one does, anticipate. It just hurts my heart. Because infertility has been an issue for women in my family I felt I had already mourned and come to terms that I was the “problem”. Now, I watch Sean going through that cycle, and I wish I could take it away.

Infertility can be hard on your life, and marriage. I hate coming out of the bathroom with a negative pregnancy text. I hate the look on Sean’s face. I hate not being on birth control ( I am one of those people who functions way better on it), and I hate how I become depressed and introverted every month of failure. I hate the weight gain from being emotional. Either we are so wasted emotionally we don’t eat, or we just eat crap. Not a good combo. I hate that everyone has advice on how we just need to try_____. Haha. I know they mean well, but our situation isn’t like everyone else’s. Besides that, trust me, we have read every trick google has to offer haha.  IVF is our only real option for having a biological child with the info we have, and we haven’t really decided how we feel about that yet. So, its hard when people act like IVF isn’t a big deal, (it is for us) or they say,” at least there is adoption”, like it fixes everything. Now, this is something Sean and I talked about before we were even married. We are 100% fine with adoption, It’s something we talked about doing even if we had biological children, but with adoption there is still some heartache. There is the wait, the home studies, the financial issues, and the anxiety that something would go wrong. You chose if you want to do national or international. If international you have to pick a country, and that seems beyond overwhelming. Besides that, I would never get to experience what its like to be pregnant, tell Sean I was pregnant, to feel what its like to feel that baby move around and kick, to feel childbirth, to see Sean’s face as he see’s our baby come into the world, that first cry, seeing someone who is half of me, and nursing. I know some people will think,” Gah, that was the worst, If I could have a baby with out doing those things I would!” and that’s okay. But, that’s not me. Having that part taken from me is hard. Really hard. I think there is a level of grieving that adoptive parents must go through. Even with that I just want to bring all the babies home and love them. So if adoption is our option, then so be it.  As of right now we are researching international adoption, and making lifestyle changes in hopes to improve Sean’s next test.

People say the dumbest things. Sometimes I feel that trials we have in life help us become sensitive to others. One day Sean came home upset that a kid in his class was complaining that now he and his wife can’t travel because she got pregnant, and I sat in class with girls who just complain about getting pregnant because it wasn’t what they planned. I had to take really deep breaths to get through that class. I know that if starting a family wasn’t a trial for us, we very well could have been those people too. They mean no harm by what they said, but it can be a dagger to someone around them.

I HATE how some people feel unconformable sharing their joy of pregnancy with me. Why on earth would I be upset that someone else is able to have a baby? It's an amazing thing! I would never be that hard hearted. That’s just for bitter people. I love seeing posts of your growing belly, the ultrasounds, and I love buying cute baby outfits! I will say it always hurts when you see posts about abused babies, or neglected children born to druggy parents. It's hard when I have abused kids in my classroom, that have parents that reproduce like rabbits, and all the kids end up in the system. Its hard not to get on the “why them and not me” train. That’s a dangerous thought that will only lead us to dark and awful road of misery and bitterness. So, we have to make a conscious effort, every day, to take the higher road, and think of the good we can do now.

Even though infertility has been a trial, it has also bonded Sean and I closer together. The 3-4% chance of getting pregnant hurt, but now we knew. No more wondering and stressing. In fact, I feel like the last couple weeks since the doctors has been an extremely happy time in our marriage. Its like we are in another honeymoon stage. Sean recently commented on how its like we can finally live our lives again and get back on track with activities we used to do. I didn’t realize how much infertility was dragging us down. Even though we don’t have a baby yet, or any plans in place, we felt as though we had a burden lifted off of our shoulders. All we have now is truly faith in His plan for us and each other. We are staying in a home while the owners are serving a mission. Without that we wouldn’t be able to afford all the testing we have until we meet the deductible. I am booking weddings for the summer and fall of 2017, Sean and I both got scholarships, we have amazing callings in church that bless our lives, and God has put in our path people who have/will be resources for us with adoption. I get messages and calls from friends offering to be a surrogate, donate, or to be a listening ear. Most of all we have family that supports us and lets us express our fears, and hears our cries.  That leads me to my next blessing, Sean.

There is no one else I would rather go through trials in this life with than Sean. He is always my #1 fan. He is so tender, meek, loving, and understanding. We still have a lot of testing to do, and there is still a chance that there is something wrong with my body as well. If there is something wrong, I know he will take my hand and assure me it will all work out. Sean is always annoyingly optimistic, but its truly something I love about him. No matter what path we are given, I know that I will have Sean by my side giving me courage to take another step. And I know when we finally have a little one to call our own we will say,” it was worth it”, because it always is. He has a plan for us, and we trust in Him. Faith in God meaning having faith in his timing, and his answer. So, we await further knowledge, and lean upon the atonement of Christ. We are beyond blessed, even when trials arise, we are blessed.