Infertility: How it made our marriage stronger.

Have you heard the saying that storms make trees take deeper roots? That is, when a storm pushes the tree around the roots dig deeper into the ground and the tree becomes stronger. This is something I have thought about the last couple weeks.

You see this image? Well I love it. I love it because I am running into the storm with Sean. A storm we would underestimate.

You see in the 2+ years of marriage have taught me that we have no control in the future.

When we first started dating we began to talk about all these dreams we had, and things we wanted to accomplish in life. Sean told me that the one thing he has always wanted to be was a Dad. I knew this, because he talked about it on the mission. Since he was little boy he just wanted to be a Dad. I felt intimidated because infertility factors runs pretty strong in my family. I didn't want to let him down, and I was very blunt about it. We pretty much talked about what our game plan would be if we couldn't have children. Of course we couldn't have anticipated the storm that laid ahead of us. Nothing could have prepared us for that.

If you're not familiar with past blog posts, or our story, Sean was diagnosed with severe and unexplained male infertility. I, however, don't have any infertility factors. Words cant describe how much this hurt me. I knew that I had a strong support group of women who has infertility issues. Sean didn't have a group of men that understood. He would pretend like it didn't hurt him, but I knew it did. The weight he was carrying was going to make him snap at some point. We went through a lot of emotions. We had a lot of nights feeling abandoned by God. When we have tried to do everything right, why was this happening it us?

I felt that people didn't understand what it was like to be the spouse without infertility factors. I felt guilty. I felt awful guilty. I also felt that maybe I was the reason for his infertility. Maybe with another woman, Sean would be able to have a child. Maybe I was the factor. I beat myself up every day. Sean is a MUCH better person than myself. I wanted to help him, but there wasn't much I could do. Month after month of failure. Sean would wait on the end of the bed for me to come out of the bathroom. I couldn't look him in the eye. I didn't say anything most of the time. I didn't want him to see that I was broken. I didn't want him to feel that it was his fault. On top of this we were in school taking a large load of credits, and watched my sister lose and bury her baby, Felicity. I was emotionally drained, and anything would set me over the edge. I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't stop worrying. I spent a lot of time crying. When I wasn't crying, I spent a lot of time watching Sean cry.

People would often say it must be hard on our marriage. I could see how that could be, but I never felt infertility would destroy our marriage.. Any arguments we had revolved around needing to communicate, but not wanting too. We were the anchor for each other. At least Sean was for me. I never felt distant from Sean, but I did from God.

Maybe I should be ashamed of that. After all here we are two returned missionaries who found it hard to pray. When we did I found it hard to truly open my heart. I was hurt. I was afraid. It seemed as though we were wandering around with no direction. Soon I felt like I could trust God again. I had too. I never lost testimony, but I needed time to feel and be made whole again. We would explore things such as adoption or IVF but nothing felt right. It felt like God was keeping direction from us. That storm seemed to last forever.

You see I truly believe that infertility has aided our marriage more than anything. Early on in our marriage we had to be completely up front. We had to learn how to forgive and let go. We had to learn how to process ignorant comments. I realized that I would rather have Sean in my life, than to have a different husband with 10 kids. I needed Sean. He needed me. We had to realize our new normal.

What I didn't realize is the roots we had grown in our relationship. and the roots we developed in our relationship with God. Other things that may be factors in other marriages don't effect us like they could have. We can't let them. In a way, I am grateful for this challenge early on in our marriage. It gave us the tools that we needed to be able to laugh through the storm.

S&L: Things we have learned in 2 years of marriage!

It’s crazy to me that we have been married for over 2 years. We celebrated our two year anniversary on May 16^th. Even though it’s only been two years, I can’t even image, my life without Sean. He is seriously part of my being. My soul. My world. Let me tell you a little bit about what I have learned about Sean,

1.     Sean doesn’t yell. When in conflict he speaks softly.

2.     He has true faith. He lives 110% of his life with faith and trust in God.

3.     His eyes are green- not hazel. He will try to tell you they are hazel.

4.     His giggle is really high pitched, and sounds like a giddy school girl. It’s the best!

5.     He likes to go on drives. He loves to just drive, and take adventures as they come.

6.     He is not city smart-yet. He was counting all the money in his wallet at the NYC subway….HA!

7.     He genuinely cares for everyone- even people he doesn’t know.

8.     He would give you the shirt off his back.

9.     He trusts everyone. As a result, some people are take advantage of him, but he still gives them the benefit of the doubt.

10.   He is a hard worker.

11.   He gives the best back scratches!

12.   He will eat basically anything and everything.

13.   He loves soda pop.

14.  When I’m weak he lifts me up.

15.  I love when he comes home and gives me the biggest hug.

16.  He calls every time he gets out of class to tell me he is coming home. He calls because he wants to talk to me. I love that he wants to talk to me.

17.  He can fall dead asleep in .0098 seconds flat. It’s annoying.

18.  He wakes up and hour before the alarm (naturally) and cuddles me so I wake up in his arms.

19.  He is adorable with kids. They love him. He is such a fun uncle. He will be an amazing Dad.

20.  He is the greatest blessing. 

We are two peas in a pod. When times get tough, I look at Sean, and I can see how blessed I am.

Lizzy is funny, sweet, beautiful, and she makes my world a better place. I learned that she….

1.     She doesn’t like to be cuddled when she is hot- especially at night.

2.     She lied to me for a year telling me she wasn’t ticklish. LIAR!

3.     She is very caring for those around her.

4.     She is bold but loving. She inspires those around her.

5.     She is an EXREAMLY hard worker.

6.     She is close to the spirit, and acts on any prompting the holy spirt gives her.

7.     She is very good with children. It makes me excited to have children with her!

8.     She doesn’t appreciate my punny humor as I had hoped.

9.     She doesn’t like movies, but she likes TV shows. It’s a compromise I’m willing to take!

10.  I can calm her down just by scratching her back.

11.  Her cuddles mean more to me than anything else. I would be lost without her by my side,

12.  She cooks some freaking amazing dishes. Sometime she just creates dishes. It’s amazing!

13.  She is way fun to travel with. She does her research on places to eat and see.

14.  Waking up to her beautiful face every morning is my favorite. I am so blessed.

15.  No one can make me smile, or make me feel loved like she can.

16.  She is one heck of a dancer. She can get down on a dance floor… in her own style haha.

17.  Even in the lowest of times, I know that she will always be my anchor and support.

18.  She doesn’t like to drive. She likes to daydream in the car. I love her imagination.

19.  There is NEVER a dull moment around her.

20.  My favorite part of my day is when I come home, I open the door, and I see you smiling at me.